Linda Smith.

I have been writing about Erith and the surrounding areas for over thirteen years now. One former local resident who looms large in the public perception of the town is the late comedian Linda Smith. I am hopeful that a new road on the forthcoming Park East estate (what used to be called the Arthur Street estate, that is currently being redeveloped). Linda Smith was born in Erith in 1958, and was educated at Erith College of Technology (now London South East College, Bexley) and at the University of Sheffield where she graduated in English and Drama. She joined a professional theatre company before turning to comedy. In 1987, she won the Hackney Empire New Act of the Year, then known as the New London Comic Award, and performed on the Edinburgh Fringe before breaking into radio comedy. Many of her early stand-up appearances were benefit concerts staged in solidarity with the British miners during the Miners' Strike in the 1980s. She was a lifelong socialist. Her first appearances on national radio were on Radio 5's The Treatment in 1997. She was subsequently a regular panellist on The News Quiz and Just a Minute, and appeared frequently on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (from June 2001 onwards), Have I Got News for You, Mock the Week, Countdown and QI. She wrote and starred in her own Radio 4 sitcom, Linda Smith's A Brief History of Timewasting. After appearing on Radio 4's Devout Sceptics to discuss her beliefs she was asked by the British Humanist Association (BHA) to become president of the society – a role that she occupied with commitment from 2004 until her death. In 2002, she was voted 'Wittiest Living Person' by listeners to BBC Radio 4's Word of Mouth. On 17 November 2003, Smith appeared on the BBC television show Room 101, where she successfully managed to put in "adults who read Harry Potter books", Tim Henman, "Back to School signs that appear in shops" and "posh people". However, she failed to put in Bow ties after host Paul Merton pointed out that Stan Laurel regularly wore a bow tie. On 27 February 2006, Smith died as a consequence of ovarian cancer at the age of 48. She had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer three and a half years earlier but, not wanting to be thought of as a patient or a victim, she did not want people to know. Before she died she chose that her funeral be humanist, and her memorial at the Theatre Royal, Stratford East, on 10 March, was dedicated to the BHA. Her life and work were honoured at the British Academy Television Awards in 2006. The first episode of Dawn French's Girls Who Do: Comedy was dedicated to the memory of Linda Smith. Two tribute gigs were held in her memory. The first took place on 14 May 2006 at the Lyceum Theatre, Sheffield, In Praise of an English Radical, the second on 4 June 2006 at the Victoria Palace Theatre in London entitled Tippy Top: An Evening of Linda Smith's Favourite Things. In August 2006, Andy Hamilton presented a BBC Radio 4 tribute entitled Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star. An anthology on CD, entitled I Think the Nurses Are Stealing My Clothes: The Very Best of Linda Smith, was released in November 2006 as was a book with the same name. A tribute show of the same name was aired on BBC Radio 4 on 10 November 2006. Linda Smith was an amazing entertainer and observer of the human condition; unfortunately her most famous one - liner has come to haunt the local area, and to (in my mind, anyway) give an unfair impression. She said "Erith isn't twinned with anywhere, but it does have a mutual suicide pact with Dagenham". Her life partner, Warren Larking has recently been working with The University of Kent to archive her work. Like many comedians, Linda Smith recorded every performance she made – mainly to find out what jokes and stories worked with her audience, and those that did not. Warren Larkin inherited this cast collection of cassettes, video tapes and CD’s upon her death, and has now decided to donate the thousands of hours of recording to The University of Kent, so that they can digitise the recordings before the magnetic tape deteriorates to the point where it becomes unplayable. The head of Drama at the University, Professor Double said of the collection” “Having her complete work is incredible. Usually we just hear the ‘best of’ compilations, but this collection includes off-air work so you can hear how she developed her skills and when things go a bit wonky. It is still early days, but ultimately it would be great if we can get most of this available online, much like the history of cartoons archive the university has, but that is some way in to the future. We have the time consuming job of going through it all first to see exactly what we have. It is an exciting time.” This all sounds like excellent news – Linda Smith was an important comic and writer, and one of the few people from Erith to make a name for themselves outside of the local area. Occasional Maggot Sandwich contributor and site owner of The Belvedere Splash Facebook group Ian wrote the following article about Linda Smith and events shortly after her untimely death:- "In 2006 I was an avid listener to BBC7 (or Radio 4 Extra as it is now known), DAB radio was still pretty niche and a station playing classic comedy and radio plays even more so, but I lapped up the likes of Hancock, Round The Horne and assorted drama and documentaries as well as classic sci-fi like Doctor Who. I’d heard of some of the shows but being in my mid-30s I had never heard stuff like this before, quality laugh out loud comedies and programmes to make me ponder and get excited about that were made (mostly) 20 years or so before I was even born. Beat the hell out of what was currently on TV (even if no-one got the references I dropped into day to day conversation!) and as we had two small children I spent a lot of time in the kitchen pottering about so had the time and space to listen to the radio where as sitting on the sofa watching TV was a distant memory. I signed up to the BBC7 weekly newsletter and a few months after Linda Smith’s passing they announced they would be having a memorial tribute show and a competition to win tickets and a rather spiffing BBC branded portable Roberts radio. I’m not sure if I was the only entrant but I’m 99 percent sure I was the only entrant from Erith, Linda’s home town, whichever the case I won. I must admit I’d heard of Linda Smith but only vaguely. I remember about 10 years before hand flicking on the TV late one night and seeing her talk about “Eriff” in her stand up and had heard a few shows with her as a panellist on The News Quiz, Just a Minute and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue but I can’t say I knew her or her comedy that well but was…proud (?) to have a comedienne who came from the same area I lived in (the only other one I can think of off hand from the local area is the brilliant Mark Steel, who originated from Swanley). The BBC7 controller (a lovely lady, sadly her name escapes me) contacted me to say I’d won and we ended up striking up quite a nice little friendship that lasted a few months after the tribute show. She seemed interested on my thoughts and enthusiasm about the station because of my age and the fact I went against the BBC’s demographics of who would listen to the station, she’d also run into Linda a few times whilst working at the BBC and was interested in my view on Erith (nicking and paraphrasing a line from Mr Pewty, I once told her the best view of the place was through the viewfinder on a bomber flying over). The night of the show rolled around and after securing a babysitter my wife and I trooped up to a studio theatre in the backstreets of London to sit and watch the recording of “Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star” compared by Andy Hamilton (writer and performer in the rather fabulous Old Harry’s Game and BBC1’s Outnumbered) with a stellar cast of comedy stars, friends and colleagues including Jeremy Hardy, Mark Steel, Hattie Hayridge, Sandi Toksvig, Nicholas Parsons, Chris Neill, Tony Hawks, Phill Jupitus, Simon Hoggart, Barry Cryer and her partner Warren Lakin. I was a bit awestruck to be honest as we were sat in the front row and mingled with the cast in the bar. Some of these people I had grown up with on TV, read books written by them and in the case of Barry Cryer I was in the presence of a veritable God of comedy (he’s written or had a hand in writing for everyone from Bob Hope to Morecambe and Wise to John Cleese, Marty Feldman, The Goodies, Kenny Everett, the list is never-ending). I offered to buy him a drink and he laughed wryly and waving his bottle at the bar told me he drunk for free. The BBC7 controller was there too and was a gracious host and I noticed she kept watching me and my wife during the show when Linda’s life in Erith was brought up. The show that went out didn’t bear much relation to the one we watched as it was very off the cuff and relaxed and (Phill Jupitus especially) very sweary. There was obviously a lot of love for Linda in the room but even though her dying was the reason we were all there was no maudlin sadness, in fact there was nothing but joy. Sadly we had to leave just before the end of the show due to having to catch the last train home but it was a wonderful night and I can’t think of a warmer, more intimate, more affectionate send off to a comedian. She was obviously well loved by her contemporaries and that shone throughout the show". Fascinating stuff; I wonder how long it will be before the local area produces another entertainer of similar calibre? Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Regular Maggot Sandwich readers may be aware that I had an involvement with offshore radio station Radio Caroline in the late 80's / early 90's - as can be seen by my photos located here. I was based on the Ross Revenge, the ship Radio Caroline had used since 1983, and is still around in 2020, though it is now moored in the River Blackwater in Essex, where it is possible to visit it on certain occasions - click here if you are interested in joining an organised visiting trip. Prior to the advent of the Ross Revenge, Radio Caroline had a previous ship, the smaller and somewhat less sturdy Mi Amigo. The Mi Amigo sank during a storm, almost exactly forty years ago. In what was a life threatening situation, the radio-ship which had withstood a beaching in 1966 and the best part of a decade at sea with little or no maintenance, finally gave up on the night of 19th - 20th March 1980 after the anchor chain snapped in a north easterly gale and she drifted onto Long Sands where she grounded. The Sheerness lifeboat Helen Turnbull was called out and stood by as the Mi Amigo floundered. Although the crew initially thought it might be possible to call a tender to tow them back to the normal anchorage, the weather had other thoughts, and heavy seas caused the ship to be lifted up and down on what was left of the anchor chain. Holes were soon punched into her thin hull with the result that, with the bilge pumps being unable to clear the water faster than it was flooding in, the ship was doomed. Presenter Stevie Gordon made a final announcement before he, fellow presenters Tom Anderson and Nick Richards, along with a Dutch engineer Hans Verlaan, prepared to abandon ship. The Helen Turnbull made some thirteen attempts to get close enough to Mi Amigo to take the men – plus the ship's canary – off, which they finally did. The Mi Amigio finally sank some 20 minutes later, leaving just the aerial mast sticking above the crashing waves. It was the end of an era. Less than three years later, Radio Caroline was back on air from the North Sea from the Ross Revenge. The station is still very much alive and well, broadcasting on 648 KHz on Medium wave, in many parts of the country on DAB, and streaming online. You can see the Radio Caroline website by clicking here.

At 10:30pm on Wednesday, 8th March 1978, exactly forty two years ago today, the first episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was broadcast on BBC Radio 4. At the time no-one - least of all its creator Douglas Adams - would have known that the story of galactically - displaced nobody Arthur Dent would one day travel as far in the pop-cultural landscape as the book’s characters did across the universe. I got into Hitchhikers pretty early on - I recall that when I was at school, I could recite, word perfect, entire chunks of the first two books. In the years since in inception, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy has existed in almost every form imaginable - first a radio series, then a book, record albums (different to the radio versions), a television series, various stage productions, a computer game, a towel and a major motion picture - each one expanding on or compressing previous versions, using some aspects, flatly contradicting others and completely ignoring the rest. It has proven astonishingly prolific as a franchise, and that’s probably because its main thesis – that the universe is an idiosyncratic and absurd place as viewed from a human perspective – is one that can’t help but resonate with audiences across time and space. One of Adams's stated goals was to be experimental in the use of sound. Being a fan of Pink Floyd and The Beatles, and especially the experimental concept albums both bands produced in the late 1960s and early 1970s, Adams wanted the programme to have the feel of a "rock album ... to convey the idea that you actually were on a spaceship or an alien planet—that sense of a huge aural landscape". The first series was therefore the first BBC radio comedy to use stereophonic techniques. Adams later said that before Hitchhiker's, stereo was deemed impossible for radio comedy and after it was made compulsory. Producer Geoffrey Perkins recalled that the technology available in 1978 for mixing sound effects at the BBC's Paris Theatre radio studio was limited. The production had one eight track tape recorder at their disposal and so many of the effects in the programme were mixed "live" with tape loops of background sound effects strung around the recording studio. Actors whose speech needed to be modified in post-production by Radiophonic technicians, such as Stephen Moore's performance as Marvin the Android, were recorded in isolation from the main "humanoid" characters. Allegedly, Moore recorded most of his performance in a cupboard and met the other actors only after the first session was complete. The theme tune used for the radio series (and all subsequent adaptations) is "Journey of the Sorcerer", an instrumental piece composed by Bernie Leadon and recorded by The Eagles on their album One of These Nights. Adams chose this song for its futuristic-sounding nature, but also for the fact that it had a banjo in it, which, as Geoffrey Perkins recalls, Adams said would give it an "on the road, hitch-hiking feel" Sound and effects were created by Paddy Kingsland, Dick Mills and Harry Parker of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Several of the sound effects recorded by Dick Mills for the first series were released on the album BBC Sound Effects No. 26 – Sci-Fi Sound Effects. In case you are unfamiliar with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the reason I picked the forty second anniversary of its first broadcast is that as Guide fans know, the number 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

Some relevant comments from a regular reader and occasional contributor who chooses to remain anonymous on this occasion. They write:- "I unfortunately witnessed a road traffic accident near the horse roundabout in Belvedere yesterday around 10am. Not entirely sure what happened but several cars had stopped on the inner section of the roundabout and there was a man laying in the road - from the brief time I was there it appeared to be a motorcyclist (moped). On my way back home two mopeds had been parked by the side of the road with an ambulance was in attendance.  Hopefully the chap is OK. I do find the road markings to be quite poor/confusing, three lanes, filtering, all combined with a dual carriageway. It could be my imagination but both the Fish and Horse roundabouts seem to have more than their fair share of accidents. Regarding the C19 Coronavirus, I feel the media have completely blown it out of proportion. Neither Morrisons, nor Asda appear to be suffering a deluge of panic buying - a few lines are missing but nothing that screams the four horsemen are at our doorstep. I've been very disappointed to receive constant updates from the BBC suggesting we should batten down the hatches - it's incredibly dangerous in my opinion. Whilst the financial markets have been hit quite heavily - likely because C19 has highlighted other weaknesses , from a day-to-day perspective nothing has really changed. Irrespective, I hope everyone uses their common sense and avoids unnecessary travel and only purchases what they need. Social media has also been up to it's old tricks, I have seen a noticeable uptick on conspiracy theories. You may be interested to learn the book "The Eyes of Darkness" (Dean Koontz) described a scenario very similar to the current situation. Given the sheer number of prophesies people dream up, some of them are likely to come true". A very interesting and pertinent viewpoint - I concur wholeheartedly regarding the problems with both the traveller cob roundabout in Lower Belvedere, and the De Luci fish roundabout in Erith, both of which seem to suffer from a disproportionate number of road traffic accidents. What do you think? Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Now for the weekly local safety and security updates from Bexley Borough Neighbourhood Watch Association. Firstly the report from Barnehurst ward:- "Over the last seven days there has been no vehicle crime reported however there has been two burglaries reported, these both occurred overnight of the Tuesday 25th and Wednesday 26th February in Taunton Close. Entry in both cases was gained through the front door. One address had two cars taken along with money and wallet. The other address had a games console taken. As a result once smartwater has been rolled out in Holmsdale Grove, Taunton Close will be next in line. The next community contact session will be held at Barnehurst Golf Course on the Wednesday18th March at 11am". Belvedere ward:- "There was a burglary reported which would have occurred in early February – the victim was in hospital at the time of the offence. Entry was gained via the rear patio doors being smashed and at this stage it remains unclear what was taken from the property. Garage burglaries remain a prominent issue across the ward - padlocks are being cut from garage doors to allow entry. These offences appear to be being caused in areas of garage blocks rather than garages attached to residential properties. Overnight from Sunday 1st March into Monday 2nd March a garage was broken into at Mitre Court in Picardy Road. A high valued motorcycle was then taken from the location. There was another garage burglary reported that took place in Raglan Road. Four BMW tyres were taken from this garage at some time between Tuesday 18th February and Monday 2nd March. There was also a residential burglary in Braesyde Close this week – entry was gained via an insecure window to the front of the property – the window had been left slightly open overnight". Bexleyheath ward:- "Friday 28/02/20 1340 - 1350 Theft From Motor Vehicle Albion Road car park (behind HSBC) Cash stolen from vehicle by smashing window with occupant in vehicle – Please be careful using this car park this is not the first time an incident like this has occurred. Saturday 29/02/20 1500 01/03/20 0400 Theft of Motor Vehicle Carey Court, Gravel Hill. Motorbike stolen from underground car park. Monday 2/03/20 0100 – 0800 Attempted Burglary Iris Avenue. Lock from back gate has been broken – no entry gained to home, nothing taken. Monday 02/03/20 1100 – 1130 Theft from Person Broadway near Santander. Purse taken from bag. Sunday 1/03/20 0000 – 0100 Theft From Motor Vehicle Broadway. Number Plate stolen. Monday 2/03/20 1400 – 1500 Theft Broadway between Primark and New Look. Mobile phone stolen. Please do ensure that everyone is aware of their surroundings whilst out and about as there are still pickpockets about". Crayford ward:- "Crime this week in Crayford has been mainly vehicle related. Between 16.30 on Monday 24th February and 07.45 on Tuesday 25th February the side door of a Transit was crow barred open and a significant amount of power tools stolen at Wyatt Road. A blue Suzuki 125cc with registration number LG58JHO was stolen from outside premises at The Parade, Crayford Way on Thursday 27th February at 09.00. Two male suspects used another bike to push the bike away. A vehicle with the registration HJ64UXX was taken from outside the Crayford Arms between 19.00 on Sunday 1st March and 06.15 on Monday 2nd March. Between Saturday 15th and Friday 21st February the catalytic convertor was stolen from a grey Honda HRV from outside Beech Haven Court in London Road. A Mappin and Webb watch was taken from Soleil, victim had left it unattended and when they returned it had gone, a timely reminder to put valuable items away, out of sight if not being worn. A shed was broken in to between 21.00 on Wednesday 26th February and 07.30 on Thursday 27th February at Bexley Close. The lock was removed and a Allez E5 Sport Gents racing bike with dropped handlebars was taken. We assisted the Boys Brigade with their parade on Sunday 1st March marching from Hall Place to Crayford Methodist Church at Bexley Lane and returning to Hall Place. Thankfully the weather was good and we trust that motorists were not too inconvenienced with the short holds to keep the parade together and safe. The team have been very busy this week. A van was seized after being seen crawling around cul de sacs. The van was stopped in Hillbrow, the driver was processed for having no tax, no MOT, no insurance, no driving licence and the van was on false plates. Our team have access to police motorcycles and were able to deal with and off road motorcyclist on the Braeburn Park nature reserve. A male was processed by means of community resolution after a positive drugs stop. A male was arrested after a domestic incident. Two stolen vehicles were recovered in Burgate Close and Grazeley Close". Erith ward - no report this week. 

Northumberland Heath ward:- "This week unfortunately there has been one distraction burglary on Oakdene Road involving an elderly victim. The suspect entered through the back door and helping himself to the victims purse within the kitchen area , stating he had completed gardening work. There was another burglary on Belmont Road entering through the front door. PCSO Lorraine O'Hara and PCSO Pigott attended a report of a damaged Garage in Brook vale Road and came across (80) eighty stolen parcels which had been placed inside the garage area .During the search two suspects approached the garage on a motorbike and made of from Officers . During this incident the suspects slipped of the motorbike and ran on foot from Officers. The motorbike was reported as stolen and was then recovered to the victim .This investigation is still ongoing. There has also been several reports of theft from motor vehicles including theft of number plates". From a Member of the Public - in Brook Vale:-"A resident went to her garage which is located to the rear of her property and found that the padlock had been cut off. Upon opening the door she found that there were large laundry bags containing parcels from catalogue companies, which are now believed to be stolen. The police visited the garage and removed the property". Slade Green and Northend ward:- "One theft from Motor Vehicle where a phone and Bluetooth speaker were stolen from a vehicle in Betsham Road between 10am and 1pm on Saturday 29/02/2020. A reminder again that we urge everyone to remove all valuable property from your vehicles at all times. We assisted North Heath SNT during the evening of Friday 28th February. PCSO Mark was with their PCSO Lorraine and they found over 80 stolen items dumped in an unused garage in Brook Vale. While looking at the property, 2 males with a motorbike came round the corner, realised police were on scene, dropped the bike and ran off. The bike turned out to be stolen from Abbey Wood the day before and it was reunited with its owner. PCSO Mark attended Slade Green Seniors Cinema Club on Monday 02/03 and spoke with over 40 attendees about Smart Water. Everyone who wanted one was given a kit and their registration forms filled in. Our next Community Contact Session is on Tuesday 10/03 from 1230 at St Augustine's Welcome Café". Thamesmead East ward:- "Surlingham Close Sun 1/3/20 5pm – 8:10pm suspect/s unknown smashed rear door window of residential property, carried out an untidy search in all rooms, there is evidence of suspect/s standing on victims bed to pull items out of overhead cupboards. Suspect/s removed a pillowcase in order to carry stolen items including jewellery, vehicle keys. £150 pounds in notes and £300 in £2 coins. Victims work van keys found inside a carrier bag in the property, along with an amount of old watches apparently left by suspect/s. Kingfisher Close Sunday 1/3/20 5:30pm – 9pm unknown suspect/s has smashed a whole glass panel in the victims back door to gain entry and take property". West Heath ward:-"One attempted burglary in Preston Drive on Wednesday 26/02/20 0030 – 00.35. A male was seen on the ring doorbell trying the door handle. Entry was not gained. A burglary took place in Chessington Avenue on Saturday 29/02/20 04.15 – 04.40. The occupants heard a noise and did not realise at the time that they had been burgled and two Skodas from outside the address. The vehicles have seen been recovered. An Audi was stolen by means of a burglary in Clovelly Road on Tuesday 03/03/20 at 04.29. Theft of a catalytic converter in Madison on Wednesday 26/02/20 20.30 – 2.55. Criminal damage to a motor vehicle in Lenham Road on Saturday 29/02/20 23.15 – 01.00 Sunday 01/03/20 the windscreen was smashed".

The end video this week comes from local singer / songwriter Brian Silk; if his name sounds familiar, it is probably because Brian has been an occasional contributor to the Maggot Sandwich, in the form of local restaurant reviews. Brian also been involved in local football and is active in a number of local community groups. Brian’s new single, Every Day I Read You Like A Book, is now out on world-wide release. The track is available on all major platforms, such as Spotify, iTunes, Amazon Music and Deezer. This is Brian’s first single from his forthcoming album to be released later this year. He said, “I would describe Every Day I Read You Like A Book as a spiky alternative/indie pop song with a singalong chorus. I love quirky alternative pop music and I tried to write a slightly offbeat guitar-based song. The lyrics are a bit off-beat, too, but I think a lot of people will relate to them.” Please send comments and feedback to hugh.neal@gmail.com. You can visit Brian's website by clicking here.