Linda Smith.

I have been writing about Erith and the surrounding areas for over thirteen years now. One former local resident who looms large in the public perception of the town is the late comedian Linda Smith. I am hopeful that a new road on the forthcoming Park East estate (what used to be called the Arthur Street estate, that is currently being redeveloped). Linda Smith was born in Erith in 1958, and was educated at Erith College of Technology (now London South East College, Bexley) and at the University of Sheffield where she graduated in English and Drama. She joined a professional theatre company before turning to comedy. In 1987, she won the Hackney Empire New Act of the Year, then known as the New London Comic Award, and performed on the Edinburgh Fringe before breaking into radio comedy. Many of her early stand-up appearances were benefit concerts staged in solidarity with the British miners during the Miners' Strike in the 1980s. She was a lifelong socialist. Her first appearances on national radio were on Radio 5's The Treatment in 1997. She was subsequently a regular panellist on The News Quiz and Just a Minute, and appeared frequently on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (from June 2001 onwards), Have I Got News for You, Mock the Week, Countdown and QI. She wrote and starred in her own Radio 4 sitcom, Linda Smith's A Brief History of Timewasting. After appearing on Radio 4's Devout Sceptics to discuss her beliefs she was asked by the British Humanist Association (BHA) to become president of the society – a role that she occupied with commitment from 2004 until her death. In 2002, she was voted 'Wittiest Living Person' by listeners to BBC Radio 4's Word of Mouth. On 17 November 2003, Smith appeared on the BBC television show Room 101, where she successfully managed to put in "adults who read Harry Potter books", Tim Henman, "Back to School signs that appear in shops" and "posh people". However, she failed to put in Bow ties after host Paul Merton pointed out that Stan Laurel regularly wore a bow tie. On 27 February 2006, Smith died as a consequence of ovarian cancer at the age of 48. She had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer three and a half years earlier but, not wanting to be thought of as a patient or a victim, she did not want people to know. Before she died she chose that her funeral be humanist, and her memorial at the Theatre Royal, Stratford East, on 10 March, was dedicated to the BHA. Her life and work were honoured at the British Academy Television Awards in 2006. The first episode of Dawn French's Girls Who Do: Comedy was dedicated to the memory of Linda Smith. Two tribute gigs were held in her memory. The first took place on 14 May 2006 at the Lyceum Theatre, Sheffield, In Praise of an English Radical, the second on 4 June 2006 at the Victoria Palace Theatre in London entitled Tippy Top: An Evening of Linda Smith's Favourite Things. In August 2006, Andy Hamilton presented a BBC Radio 4 tribute entitled Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star. An anthology on CD, entitled I Think the Nurses Are Stealing My Clothes: The Very Best of Linda Smith, was released in November 2006 as was a book with the same name. A tribute show of the same name was aired on BBC Radio 4 on 10 November 2006. Linda Smith was an amazing entertainer and observer of the human condition; unfortunately her most famous one - liner has come to haunt the local area, and to (in my mind, anyway) give an unfair impression. She said "Erith isn't twinned with anywhere, but it does have a mutual suicide pact with Dagenham". Her life partner, Warren Larking has recently been working with The University of Kent to archive her work. Like many comedians, Linda Smith recorded every performance she made – mainly to find out what jokes and stories worked with her audience, and those that did not. Warren Larkin inherited this cast collection of cassettes, video tapes and CD’s upon her death, and has now decided to donate the thousands of hours of recording to The University of Kent, so that they can digitise the recordings before the magnetic tape deteriorates to the point where it becomes unplayable. The head of Drama at the University, Professor Double said of the collection” “Having her complete work is incredible. Usually we just hear the ‘best of’ compilations, but this collection includes off-air work so you can hear how she developed her skills and when things go a bit wonky. It is still early days, but ultimately it would be great if we can get most of this available online, much like the history of cartoons archive the university has, but that is some way in to the future. We have the time consuming job of going through it all first to see exactly what we have. It is an exciting time.” This all sounds like excellent news – Linda Smith was an important comic and writer, and one of the few people from Erith to make a name for themselves outside of the local area. Occasional Maggot Sandwich contributor and site owner of The Belvedere Splash Facebook group Ian wrote the following article about Linda Smith and events shortly after her untimely death:- "In 2006 I was an avid listener to BBC7 (or Radio 4 Extra as it is now known), DAB radio was still pretty niche and a station playing classic comedy and radio plays even more so, but I lapped up the likes of Hancock, Round The Horne and assorted drama and documentaries as well as classic sci-fi like Doctor Who. I’d heard of some of the shows but being in my mid-30s I had never heard stuff like this before, quality laugh out loud comedies and programmes to make me ponder and get excited about that were made (mostly) 20 years or so before I was even born. Beat the hell out of what was currently on TV (even if no-one got the references I dropped into day to day conversation!) and as we had two small children I spent a lot of time in the kitchen pottering about so had the time and space to listen to the radio where as sitting on the sofa watching TV was a distant memory. I signed up to the BBC7 weekly newsletter and a few months after Linda Smith’s passing they announced they would be having a memorial tribute show and a competition to win tickets and a rather spiffing BBC branded portable Roberts radio. I’m not sure if I was the only entrant but I’m 99 percent sure I was the only entrant from Erith, Linda’s home town, whichever the case I won. I must admit I’d heard of Linda Smith but only vaguely. I remember about 10 years before hand flicking on the TV late one night and seeing her talk about “Eriff” in her stand up and had heard a few shows with her as a panellist on The News Quiz, Just a Minute and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue but I can’t say I knew her or her comedy that well but was…proud (?) to have a comedienne who came from the same area I lived in (the only other one I can think of off hand from the local area is the brilliant Mark Steel, who originated from Swanley). The BBC7 controller (a lovely lady, sadly her name escapes me) contacted me to say I’d won and we ended up striking up quite a nice little friendship that lasted a few months after the tribute show. She seemed interested on my thoughts and enthusiasm about the station because of my age and the fact I went against the BBC’s demographics of who would listen to the station, she’d also run into Linda a few times whilst working at the BBC and was interested in my view on Erith (nicking and paraphrasing a line from Mr Pewty, I once told her the best view of the place was through the viewfinder on a bomber flying over). The night of the show rolled around and after securing a babysitter my wife and I trooped up to a studio theatre in the backstreets of London to sit and watch the recording of “Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star” compared by Andy Hamilton (writer and performer in the rather fabulous Old Harry’s Game and BBC1’s Outnumbered) with a stellar cast of comedy stars, friends and colleagues including Jeremy Hardy, Mark Steel, Hattie Hayridge, Sandi Toksvig, Nicholas Parsons, Chris Neill, Tony Hawks, Phill Jupitus, Simon Hoggart, Barry Cryer and her partner Warren Lakin. I was a bit awestruck to be honest as we were sat in the front row and mingled with the cast in the bar. Some of these people I had grown up with on TV, read books written by them and in the case of Barry Cryer I was in the presence of a veritable God of comedy (he’s written or had a hand in writing for everyone from Bob Hope to Morecambe and Wise to John Cleese, Marty Feldman, The Goodies, Kenny Everett, the list is never-ending). I offered to buy him a drink and he laughed wryly and waving his bottle at the bar told me he drunk for free. The BBC7 controller was there too and was a gracious host and I noticed she kept watching me and my wife during the show when Linda’s life in Erith was brought up. The show that went out didn’t bear much relation to the one we watched as it was very off the cuff and relaxed and (Phill Jupitus especially) very sweary. There was obviously a lot of love for Linda in the room but even though her dying was the reason we were all there was no maudlin sadness, in fact there was nothing but joy. Sadly we had to leave just before the end of the show due to having to catch the last train home but it was a wonderful night and I can’t think of a warmer, more intimate, more affectionate send off to a comedian. She was obviously well loved by her contemporaries and that shone throughout the show". Fascinating stuff; I wonder how long it will be before the local area produces another entertainer of similar calibre? Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Regular Maggot Sandwich readers may be aware that I had an involvement with offshore radio station Radio Caroline in the late 80's / early 90's - as can be seen by my photos located here. I was based on the Ross Revenge, the ship Radio Caroline had used since 1983, and is still around in 2020, though it is now moored in the River Blackwater in Essex, where it is possible to visit it on certain occasions - click here if you are interested in joining an organised visiting trip. Prior to the advent of the Ross Revenge, Radio Caroline had a previous ship, the smaller and somewhat less sturdy Mi Amigo. The Mi Amigo sank during a storm, almost exactly forty years ago. In what was a life threatening situation, the radio-ship which had withstood a beaching in 1966 and the best part of a decade at sea with little or no maintenance, finally gave up on the night of 19th - 20th March 1980 after the anchor chain snapped in a north easterly gale and she drifted onto Long Sands where she grounded. The Sheerness lifeboat Helen Turnbull was called out and stood by as the Mi Amigo floundered. Although the crew initially thought it might be possible to call a tender to tow them back to the normal anchorage, the weather had other thoughts, and heavy seas caused the ship to be lifted up and down on what was left of the anchor chain. Holes were soon punched into her thin hull with the result that, with the bilge pumps being unable to clear the water faster than it was flooding in, the ship was doomed. Presenter Stevie Gordon made a final announcement before he, fellow presenters Tom Anderson and Nick Richards, along with a Dutch engineer Hans Verlaan, prepared to abandon ship. The Helen Turnbull made some thirteen attempts to get close enough to Mi Amigo to take the men – plus the ship's canary – off, which they finally did. The Mi Amigio finally sank some 20 minutes later, leaving just the aerial mast sticking above the crashing waves. It was the end of an era. Less than three years later, Radio Caroline was back on air from the North Sea from the Ross Revenge. The station is still very much alive and well, broadcasting on 648 KHz on Medium wave, in many parts of the country on DAB, and streaming online. You can see the Radio Caroline website by clicking here.

At 10:30pm on Wednesday, 8th March 1978, exactly forty two years ago today, the first episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was broadcast on BBC Radio 4. At the time no-one - least of all its creator Douglas Adams - would have known that the story of galactically - displaced nobody Arthur Dent would one day travel as far in the pop-cultural landscape as the book’s characters did across the universe. I got into Hitchhikers pretty early on - I recall that when I was at school, I could recite, word perfect, entire chunks of the first two books. In the years since in inception, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy has existed in almost every form imaginable - first a radio series, then a book, record albums (different to the radio versions), a television series, various stage productions, a computer game, a towel and a major motion picture - each one expanding on or compressing previous versions, using some aspects, flatly contradicting others and completely ignoring the rest. It has proven astonishingly prolific as a franchise, and that’s probably because its main thesis – that the universe is an idiosyncratic and absurd place as viewed from a human perspective – is one that can’t help but resonate with audiences across time and space. One of Adams's stated goals was to be experimental in the use of sound. Being a fan of Pink Floyd and The Beatles, and especially the experimental concept albums both bands produced in the late 1960s and early 1970s, Adams wanted the programme to have the feel of a "rock album ... to convey the idea that you actually were on a spaceship or an alien planet—that sense of a huge aural landscape". The first series was therefore the first BBC radio comedy to use stereophonic techniques. Adams later said that before Hitchhiker's, stereo was deemed impossible for radio comedy and after it was made compulsory. Producer Geoffrey Perkins recalled that the technology available in 1978 for mixing sound effects at the BBC's Paris Theatre radio studio was limited. The production had one eight track tape recorder at their disposal and so many of the effects in the programme were mixed "live" with tape loops of background sound effects strung around the recording studio. Actors whose speech needed to be modified in post-production by Radiophonic technicians, such as Stephen Moore's performance as Marvin the Android, were recorded in isolation from the main "humanoid" characters. Allegedly, Moore recorded most of his performance in a cupboard and met the other actors only after the first session was complete. The theme tune used for the radio series (and all subsequent adaptations) is "Journey of the Sorcerer", an instrumental piece composed by Bernie Leadon and recorded by The Eagles on their album One of These Nights. Adams chose this song for its futuristic-sounding nature, but also for the fact that it had a banjo in it, which, as Geoffrey Perkins recalls, Adams said would give it an "on the road, hitch-hiking feel" Sound and effects were created by Paddy Kingsland, Dick Mills and Harry Parker of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Several of the sound effects recorded by Dick Mills for the first series were released on the album BBC Sound Effects No. 26 – Sci-Fi Sound Effects. In case you are unfamiliar with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the reason I picked the forty second anniversary of its first broadcast is that as Guide fans know, the number 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

Some relevant comments from a regular reader and occasional contributor who chooses to remain anonymous on this occasion. They write:- "I unfortunately witnessed a road traffic accident near the horse roundabout in Belvedere yesterday around 10am. Not entirely sure what happened but several cars had stopped on the inner section of the roundabout and there was a man laying in the road - from the brief time I was there it appeared to be a motorcyclist (moped). On my way back home two mopeds had been parked by the side of the road with an ambulance was in attendance.  Hopefully the chap is OK. I do find the road markings to be quite poor/confusing, three lanes, filtering, all combined with a dual carriageway. It could be my imagination but both the Fish and Horse roundabouts seem to have more than their fair share of accidents. Regarding the C19 Coronavirus, I feel the media have completely blown it out of proportion. Neither Morrisons, nor Asda appear to be suffering a deluge of panic buying - a few lines are missing but nothing that screams the four horsemen are at our doorstep. I've been very disappointed to receive constant updates from the BBC suggesting we should batten down the hatches - it's incredibly dangerous in my opinion. Whilst the financial markets have been hit quite heavily - likely because C19 has highlighted other weaknesses , from a day-to-day perspective nothing has really changed. Irrespective, I hope everyone uses their common sense and avoids unnecessary travel and only purchases what they need. Social media has also been up to it's old tricks, I have seen a noticeable uptick on conspiracy theories. You may be interested to learn the book "The Eyes of Darkness" (Dean Koontz) described a scenario very similar to the current situation. Given the sheer number of prophesies people dream up, some of them are likely to come true". A very interesting and pertinent viewpoint - I concur wholeheartedly regarding the problems with both the traveller cob roundabout in Lower Belvedere, and the De Luci fish roundabout in Erith, both of which seem to suffer from a disproportionate number of road traffic accidents. What do you think? Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Now for the weekly local safety and security updates from Bexley Borough Neighbourhood Watch Association. Firstly the report from Barnehurst ward:- "Over the last seven days there has been no vehicle crime reported however there has been two burglaries reported, these both occurred overnight of the Tuesday 25th and Wednesday 26th February in Taunton Close. Entry in both cases was gained through the front door. One address had two cars taken along with money and wallet. The other address had a games console taken. As a result once smartwater has been rolled out in Holmsdale Grove, Taunton Close will be next in line. The next community contact session will be held at Barnehurst Golf Course on the Wednesday18th March at 11am". Belvedere ward:- "There was a burglary reported which would have occurred in early February – the victim was in hospital at the time of the offence. Entry was gained via the rear patio doors being smashed and at this stage it remains unclear what was taken from the property. Garage burglaries remain a prominent issue across the ward - padlocks are being cut from garage doors to allow entry. These offences appear to be being caused in areas of garage blocks rather than garages attached to residential properties. Overnight from Sunday 1st March into Monday 2nd March a garage was broken into at Mitre Court in Picardy Road. A high valued motorcycle was then taken from the location. There was another garage burglary reported that took place in Raglan Road. Four BMW tyres were taken from this garage at some time between Tuesday 18th February and Monday 2nd March. There was also a residential burglary in Braesyde Close this week – entry was gained via an insecure window to the front of the property – the window had been left slightly open overnight". Bexleyheath ward:- "Friday 28/02/20 1340 - 1350 Theft From Motor Vehicle Albion Road car park (behind HSBC) Cash stolen from vehicle by smashing window with occupant in vehicle – Please be careful using this car park this is not the first time an incident like this has occurred. Saturday 29/02/20 1500 01/03/20 0400 Theft of Motor Vehicle Carey Court, Gravel Hill. Motorbike stolen from underground car park. Monday 2/03/20 0100 – 0800 Attempted Burglary Iris Avenue. Lock from back gate has been broken – no entry gained to home, nothing taken. Monday 02/03/20 1100 – 1130 Theft from Person Broadway near Santander. Purse taken from bag. Sunday 1/03/20 0000 – 0100 Theft From Motor Vehicle Broadway. Number Plate stolen. Monday 2/03/20 1400 – 1500 Theft Broadway between Primark and New Look. Mobile phone stolen. Please do ensure that everyone is aware of their surroundings whilst out and about as there are still pickpockets about". Crayford ward:- "Crime this week in Crayford has been mainly vehicle related. Between 16.30 on Monday 24th February and 07.45 on Tuesday 25th February the side door of a Transit was crow barred open and a significant amount of power tools stolen at Wyatt Road. A blue Suzuki 125cc with registration number LG58JHO was stolen from outside premises at The Parade, Crayford Way on Thursday 27th February at 09.00. Two male suspects used another bike to push the bike away. A vehicle with the registration HJ64UXX was taken from outside the Crayford Arms between 19.00 on Sunday 1st March and 06.15 on Monday 2nd March. Between Saturday 15th and Friday 21st February the catalytic convertor was stolen from a grey Honda HRV from outside Beech Haven Court in London Road. A Mappin and Webb watch was taken from Soleil, victim had left it unattended and when they returned it had gone, a timely reminder to put valuable items away, out of sight if not being worn. A shed was broken in to between 21.00 on Wednesday 26th February and 07.30 on Thursday 27th February at Bexley Close. The lock was removed and a Allez E5 Sport Gents racing bike with dropped handlebars was taken. We assisted the Boys Brigade with their parade on Sunday 1st March marching from Hall Place to Crayford Methodist Church at Bexley Lane and returning to Hall Place. Thankfully the weather was good and we trust that motorists were not too inconvenienced with the short holds to keep the parade together and safe. The team have been very busy this week. A van was seized after being seen crawling around cul de sacs. The van was stopped in Hillbrow, the driver was processed for having no tax, no MOT, no insurance, no driving licence and the van was on false plates. Our team have access to police motorcycles and were able to deal with and off road motorcyclist on the Braeburn Park nature reserve. A male was processed by means of community resolution after a positive drugs stop. A male was arrested after a domestic incident. Two stolen vehicles were recovered in Burgate Close and Grazeley Close". Erith ward - no report this week. 

Northumberland Heath ward:- "This week unfortunately there has been one distraction burglary on Oakdene Road involving an elderly victim. The suspect entered through the back door and helping himself to the victims purse within the kitchen area , stating he had completed gardening work. There was another burglary on Belmont Road entering through the front door. PCSO Lorraine O'Hara and PCSO Pigott attended a report of a damaged Garage in Brook vale Road and came across (80) eighty stolen parcels which had been placed inside the garage area .During the search two suspects approached the garage on a motorbike and made of from Officers . During this incident the suspects slipped of the motorbike and ran on foot from Officers. The motorbike was reported as stolen and was then recovered to the victim .This investigation is still ongoing. There has also been several reports of theft from motor vehicles including theft of number plates". From a Member of the Public - in Brook Vale:-"A resident went to her garage which is located to the rear of her property and found that the padlock had been cut off. Upon opening the door she found that there were large laundry bags containing parcels from catalogue companies, which are now believed to be stolen. The police visited the garage and removed the property". Slade Green and Northend ward:- "One theft from Motor Vehicle where a phone and Bluetooth speaker were stolen from a vehicle in Betsham Road between 10am and 1pm on Saturday 29/02/2020. A reminder again that we urge everyone to remove all valuable property from your vehicles at all times. We assisted North Heath SNT during the evening of Friday 28th February. PCSO Mark was with their PCSO Lorraine and they found over 80 stolen items dumped in an unused garage in Brook Vale. While looking at the property, 2 males with a motorbike came round the corner, realised police were on scene, dropped the bike and ran off. The bike turned out to be stolen from Abbey Wood the day before and it was reunited with its owner. PCSO Mark attended Slade Green Seniors Cinema Club on Monday 02/03 and spoke with over 40 attendees about Smart Water. Everyone who wanted one was given a kit and their registration forms filled in. Our next Community Contact Session is on Tuesday 10/03 from 1230 at St Augustine's Welcome Café". Thamesmead East ward:- "Surlingham Close Sun 1/3/20 5pm – 8:10pm suspect/s unknown smashed rear door window of residential property, carried out an untidy search in all rooms, there is evidence of suspect/s standing on victims bed to pull items out of overhead cupboards. Suspect/s removed a pillowcase in order to carry stolen items including jewellery, vehicle keys. £150 pounds in notes and £300 in £2 coins. Victims work van keys found inside a carrier bag in the property, along with an amount of old watches apparently left by suspect/s. Kingfisher Close Sunday 1/3/20 5:30pm – 9pm unknown suspect/s has smashed a whole glass panel in the victims back door to gain entry and take property". West Heath ward:-"One attempted burglary in Preston Drive on Wednesday 26/02/20 0030 – 00.35. A male was seen on the ring doorbell trying the door handle. Entry was not gained. A burglary took place in Chessington Avenue on Saturday 29/02/20 04.15 – 04.40. The occupants heard a noise and did not realise at the time that they had been burgled and two Skodas from outside the address. The vehicles have seen been recovered. An Audi was stolen by means of a burglary in Clovelly Road on Tuesday 03/03/20 at 04.29. Theft of a catalytic converter in Madison on Wednesday 26/02/20 20.30 – 2.55. Criminal damage to a motor vehicle in Lenham Road on Saturday 29/02/20 23.15 – 01.00 Sunday 01/03/20 the windscreen was smashed".

The end video this week comes from local singer / songwriter Brian Silk; if his name sounds familiar, it is probably because Brian has been an occasional contributor to the Maggot Sandwich, in the form of local restaurant reviews. Brian also been involved in local football and is active in a number of local community groups. Brian’s new single, Every Day I Read You Like A Book, is now out on world-wide release. The track is available on all major platforms, such as Spotify, iTunes, Amazon Music and Deezer. This is Brian’s first single from his forthcoming album to be released later this year. He said, “I would describe Every Day I Read You Like A Book as a spiky alternative/indie pop song with a singalong chorus. I love quirky alternative pop music and I tried to write a slightly offbeat guitar-based song. The lyrics are a bit off-beat, too, but I think a lot of people will relate to them.” Please send comments and feedback to hugh.neal@gmail.com. You can visit Brian's website by clicking here.

Captain Tweed versus the mouldy underpants.

The photo above shows the bus halt at the front of Erith Riverside Shopping Centre. It is normally a pretty quiet place, save for the sound of school children larking about on the way to and from lessons. You do get the occasional boy racer coming round the corner way too fast from Erith High Street, and on occasion they have been known to lose control and hit a lamp post or bus shelter (fortunately nobody was there the last time), but usually it is pretty civilised.

Just after I had published last week’s Maggot Sandwich update, I decided to head into town to do some shopping. Matalan is not too bad a place to get clothes for everyday wear, I do however find their stores to be badly ventilated and very stuffy; the Erith shop is particularly bad in this respect. I have pity for the staff who have to work there in a hot summer – last year I recall one occasion during the heat wave that the place was unbearable – I walked in, then straight out again, as the place felt like a furnace. I digress. I was about to cross James Watt Way on my way towards Erith Riverside Shopping Centre when I began to smell acrid smoke. Just as I did so, a fire engine came around the bend at a fair old clip, heading towards the recycling centre behind Morrison’s. It made sense, only the day before I had caught two teenage boys red handed, trying to set light to an old sofa that had been illegally fly – tipped on the site. It looked like someone had been back for another, more successful attempt. I followed the fire engine around to the recycling facility, and got there in time to see the fire fighters very efficiently extinguish the small blaze that had taken hold in a dumped sofa, chairs and a number of soiled and noxious looking old mattresses. Once the blaze was out, I introduced myself to the senior officer, and explained that I ran Erith Watch - the local Neighbourhood Watch scheme. He said that the problem of arson gets worse as the weather improves, and the temperature goes up; the vandals and ne-er  do wells come out from their bedrooms and behind their X-Boxes and start to look around for mischief. He said that this small fire was a classic case. Just as the fire brigade began winding in their hoses and preparing to leave the site, two members of the Erith Safer Neighbourhood Police team turned up. A small child who had witnessed the whole incident then approached the officers and said that he had seen two older boys setting the fire a few minutes earlier. He said that he did not know their names, but the descriptions he gave matched exactly with the two 15-16 year olds I had seen the previous day.  Whilst I was explaining the history of the problems experienced by the recycling facility, and a specific company that had abused the site in the recent past, one of the two officers said “would the company have a large white van with their logo down the side and a registration number of XXX by any chance?” I was surprised, and commented that I was surprised that they would have access to such detailed and accurate records without resorting to checks with the Police National Computer system. The officer grinned – “No, it just parked behind you!” The driver and passenger of the vehicle concerned had turned up unaware of the furore of only a couple of minutes earlier. For some reason they missed the fire engine, which had just driven off, and did not see the two uniformed officers as I chatted with them. The two occupants of the van got out, opened the rear doors and prepared to dump the contents. At this point I thought that I had better let the Police do their stuff, and got out of the way. After a minute or so, the two people and the van drove off, their load un – dumped, after having received an unexpected verbal warning. I will be keeping an eye out for them, as I feel it is more than likely they will return when fewer eyes are around. I hope to be able to report a dramatic new development in the fight against local fly tipping in the near future, but for legal reasons I will have to keep my counsel for now. More on illegal fly tipping later.

You may recall that a couple of weeks ago I wrote about the forthcoming release of an updated version of the classic text only game version of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Well, it has now been released, and can be played online here.  It was quite the most mind numbingly difficult text adventure I ever encountered back in the day – and believe me, I played a few in my time. It is very clever, witty and downright evil. When I fired up the online version a couple of days ago, I managed to make 34 moves before getting killed – something that surprised me, as I had not played the game since around 1987. Most players don’t manage more than three or four moves at a first attempt. The game is basically a computer based version of the first radio series / book, with a lot of very clever puzzles, word plays and dreadful new puns thrown in. You start the day as a very hung over Arthur Dent – the main "every man"protagonist of the story. Your first challenge is to get out of bed – something that is far more fraught with difficulties than you might imagine. Do give the game a go – let me know how you get on, and if you get very stuck, I might even give you a hint or two. An outright classic of a radio series that successfully migrated onto the computer screen. It may have helped that Douglas Adams, author of the radio series and subsequent book was also behind all of the text in the computer game, whilst the programming side of things were handled by the masters of the genre, Infocom.

Following my piece on the new central Erith location for the new Bexley College campus, I got several Emails regarding the development. They echoed something that I wrote about before the campus construction even got under way. I found it remarkable that the college did not propose to use the Andrew Carnegie gifted old Erith Library building directly opposite the campus in Walnut Tree Road as the college study centre / library. It is a beautiful, practical building that has stood empty since the library moved into its new, soulless building in Erith High Street a couple of years ago. Several college staff regularly read the Maggot Sandwich, and one of them is in pretty frequent Email contact with me. He tells me that they did look long and hard at the old library building, as it offered a lovely historic setting, literally across the road from the main college campus. The problem was, the Victorian building currently has no provision for disability access, and the cost of modifying it to allow wheelchair access would have been prohibitive. The library would have needed extensive modification to install lifts, ramps and other access tools, and it became evident that it was impractical to viably undertake the changes to the structure, so the idea was abandoned. I just hope that the library gets another use before too long; it is sitting abandoned and unloved, when it would make a great space for many new uses – including as a character office location. Bexley Council for Racial Equality did use a small part of the library for offices for quite a period, but they moved out some time ago, and it is now empty and forlorn. Personally I find it curious that the library did not stay in the Carnegie building. The new library is smaller and has far fewer facilities than the old one, not to mention it is anodyne and lacking in any kind of character. I guess that the new library is a more cost effective solution to ever dwindling library user numbers as it is undoubtedly cheaper to operate that the old building, which must have cost a fortune to heat. It just seems tragic to me that one of the most attractive historic buildings in the London Borough of Bexley is allowed to go empty and unused. Your thoughts and feedback would be welcomed, either by leaving a comment below, or by Emailing me directly at hugh.neal@gmail.com

This week marks yet another thirtieth anniversary in the field of computers and technology. This time the anniversary is unlikely to be celebrated by many in Europe or the USA, for reasons that will shortly become clear.  Back in 1982 Microsoft – who at the time were nothing like the continent bestriding behemoth that they are today – came up with what was then a revolutionary idea, and one that made a lot of sense both then and now. At the time, home computers were all entirely proprietary. You decided which model you wanted to purchase, and once you had done this, you were tied into buying peripherals, and more importantly software that would only work on that make, and usually model of that machine. BBC Micro software only worked on BBC’s, Spectrum software on Spectrums, and so forth. It even was true for early business programs like DBase,  WordStar, Electric Pencil and Visicalc. Not only would a version of the software have to be specially written for each brand of computer, but the files saved by the programs on each computer were not compatible with other systems. If you created a VisiCalc spreadsheet or WordStar document on an Apple II computer, you could not read those files on a Commodore 64 or vice versa. Some enterprising individuals did write conversion routines to enable sharing of documents between computers, but the results were often patchy and unreliable. Microsoft thought that what the computing world needed, was a standard to which computers would follow, which would mean that not only files could be shared between different machines, but programs and hardware peripherals such as disk drives and printers too. At this point the IBM PC was a very much newcomer to the market, and aimed strongly at business users. Microsoft saw a gap in the market for home and small business users which was not being satisfied by another supplier. Microsoft worked in conjunction with the Japanese ASCII Corporation to come up with the hardware and software standard, which they named MSX (Microsoft Extended). It was designed to utilise cheap and easily available off the shelf components and a proven 8-bit Z80 processor, the same as used in the already massively popular Sinclair ZX Spectrum. This would keep the price down and appeal to programmers already familiar with the Z80 processor assembly language instruction set.  Microsoft created a truly excellent version of the BASIC programming language for MSX – some say that this was actually the best BASIC implementation available at any price at the time. MSX computers reached the UK in March 1984. All looked rosy for this pioneer in computer standardisation, and Microsoft looked about to make a mint. A number of large hardware manufacturers signed up to make and sell machines to the MSX standard. In Japan, Sony, Toshiba and Panasonic all released MSX computers that sold very well in their home country , and in Europe Philips produced machines which initially sold well. All was not so good in the USA – a key market for any company wanting to establish an international business (and coincidentally Microsoft’s home market). Since around 1977 the Americans had expected even their home computers to use floppy disc drives – the big seller at the time was by far and away the Apple II. A cassette drive was available for the Apple II, but almost everyone spent the extra for a disk drive. Americans had larger disposable incomes that their European counterparts at the time, and this reflected on their computer choices. The problem was, the MSX standard initially had no provision for floppy disk support, which turned off potential American buyers. By the time the next generation of (still 8-bit) MSX computers with floppy drive support were released in late 1984, the first affordable 16 bit home computers such as the Atari ST range and the Commodore Amiga were on the horizon and almost the same price. The market started to realise that  8 bit was history, and whilst software might be compatible between MSX computers produced by different manufacturers, this was academic when almost no software houses were willing to write software for what they correctly perceived was a dying format. MSX machines continued to sell fairly respectably in Japan, but elsewhere the market collapsed. The subsequent release of a 16 bit MSX2 standard in 1985 was too little, too late. Microsoft and the ASCII Corporation parted company over disagreements relating to policy in the Japanese market – the only place that fully bought into the format, and MSX limped on until 1990, when Sony was the last company left producing MSX computers. By this time the aim of producing computers that were software and hardware compatible had come to pass – but not in the way that Microsoft had predicted at the outset. The IBM PC had unwittingly created a new and open standard, and by 1990 PC clones were commonplace. Microsoft made their mountain of cash by first creating DOS (Disk Operating System) for the PC, and subsequently the various incarnations of Windows and Microsoft Office which runs on top of Windows – the cornerstone of Microsoft’s business from then until the present day. Thus Microsoft snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, but in a way that they really had not planned for, or indeed expected.

I think pretty much everyone in the UK gets a lot of unsolicited mail through their letter boxes. It seems to be a curse of modern life. I have whinged at length about this at length in the past, and I am not going to repeat myself now. The worst part of the problem seems to be what is called “letter box stuffing” – the posting of advertising flyers and leaflets through the door from dedicated delivery people. In the last week I have had a handful of leaflets advertising take – away pizzas and kebabs. There is nothing unusual with this, but the problem is, they are for food outlets in Dartford; one is even from a place in the Brent, which is pretty much halfway to Greenhithe, and according to Google Maps, over six miles from Erith. There is no way that these places would deliver a meal over that kind of distance, and there is no way that any sane person would want to – whatever you did order would be a greasy cold and congealed mess by the time it eventually arrived. Rather than just ranting on about the pointlessness and waste of money on the part of the companies that leaflet places way outside of their catchment area, I have decided to do something positive about it. It just happens that two of the places involved in this practice are part of a franchise. I looked up the website of the parent company in each case, found the contact details, and Emailed a complaint to them. I pointed out that it did not make business sense for their outlets to leaflet areas over six miles away – at least twice the maximum delivery distance quoted on the leaflets themselves. It is either local poor management, or the outlets are employing unscrupulous door to door leaflet delivery agents.

The two photos above were sent to me by regular reader, and sometime contributor, the Rev. The upper black and white shot (judging from the cars) looks to have been taken in around 1968, and shows Wilton Road and the old original Abbey Wood Station, complete with level crossing and signal box. I have no idea what the mobile crane in the photo is up to, but not very much later the old station building and signal box were demolished to make way for the current station building, which is in turn scheduled for demolition in the next few months to make way for a much larger terminus for the Eastern end of the Crossrail project. The lower photograph shows the same location, but taken from the opposite side of the road. The photo is also from the late 1960's and does not show the results of the 1953 flood as some people have commented - the cars are all from 1966 onwards, with the exception of the white Jaguar Mk II, which is a 1961 / 62 model, judging by the bumper design. Quite what the Doctor was doing visiting Abbey Wood I do not know - perhaps he had popped into the pub for a swift pint and a game of darts? Either way, the Tardis could end up getting a parking ticket if it stayed too long on the pavement.

The ongoing saga of industrial waste being illegally fly – tipped at the council recycling point behind Erith Morrison’s supermarket took a somewhat surreal turn earlier this week, following the events that happened last weekend that I recounted earlier in this weeks update. On Tuesday evening I popped around there to drop off some cardboard food packaging for recycling, and also to have a quick check on the state of the place, as I suspected that some more fly tipping had taken place; some locals joke that I have a crime fighting alter - ego called Captain Tweed. My suspicions were indeed correct. I found a large number of batched and bound together men’s underpants in piles on the ground. They were all covered in white mould. There must have been close to half a tonne of mouldy underpants! It would appear that one of the local second hand clothing collection / resale companies had collected the pants, graded them, then bound them together with plastic binding tape ready for export sale, and the underpants had then for some reason got attacked by mould, and the unscrupulous clothing dealer decided to offload the noxious knickers on the sly. The lengths that unscrupulous operators will go to in order to avoid commercial waste dumping charges is unbelievable. I know that Bexley Council Environmental Crimes Unit are very much on the case; unfortunately I cannot say anything else on this matter of high local interest at the moment, as there is every chance the miscreants are reading the Maggot Sandwich – suffice to say that actions are being taken and the bad guys will have every cause to regret their illegal and anti social actions in future.

The News Shopper are currently running an article about queuing – or the lack thereof in many places nowadays. When I used the local bus service on a daily basis back when I was visiting my late Dad in his nursing home, I used to witness disgraceful behaviour at bus stops on an almost daily basis. I recall on one particular occasion I was standing in General Gordon Place in Woolwich, preparing to board a 380 bus. As the doors opened, and I got ready to alight, a small hoody wearing Chinese bloke (whom I had earlier seen selling pirate DVD’s)  elbowed me hard in the ribs and pushed in front of me. He most definitely picked the wrong person – I grabbed the hood of his top and physically hauled him off the bus before giving him a good shouting at. I don’t think he spoke much English, but the tone of my raised voice, plus the fact I was twice his size and was wearing my trademark size 13 steel toe capped boots got the message through. I subsequently saw him pushing into bus queues in the future, but he made sure never to get near me again. Lesser versions of this kind of selfish and unthinking behaviour can be seen in public places all of the time. People just seem to have no manners whatsoever.

The end video this week shows a short explanatory film on why the number 42 is just so important; most people already know that 42 is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. Please feel free to leave a comment below.