Linda Smith.

I have been writing about Erith and the surrounding areas for over thirteen years now. One former local resident who looms large in the public perception of the town is the late comedian Linda Smith. I am hopeful that a new road on the forthcoming Park East estate (what used to be called the Arthur Street estate, that is currently being redeveloped). Linda Smith was born in Erith in 1958, and was educated at Erith College of Technology (now London South East College, Bexley) and at the University of Sheffield where she graduated in English and Drama. She joined a professional theatre company before turning to comedy. In 1987, she won the Hackney Empire New Act of the Year, then known as the New London Comic Award, and performed on the Edinburgh Fringe before breaking into radio comedy. Many of her early stand-up appearances were benefit concerts staged in solidarity with the British miners during the Miners' Strike in the 1980s. She was a lifelong socialist. Her first appearances on national radio were on Radio 5's The Treatment in 1997. She was subsequently a regular panellist on The News Quiz and Just a Minute, and appeared frequently on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (from June 2001 onwards), Have I Got News for You, Mock the Week, Countdown and QI. She wrote and starred in her own Radio 4 sitcom, Linda Smith's A Brief History of Timewasting. After appearing on Radio 4's Devout Sceptics to discuss her beliefs she was asked by the British Humanist Association (BHA) to become president of the society – a role that she occupied with commitment from 2004 until her death. In 2002, she was voted 'Wittiest Living Person' by listeners to BBC Radio 4's Word of Mouth. On 17 November 2003, Smith appeared on the BBC television show Room 101, where she successfully managed to put in "adults who read Harry Potter books", Tim Henman, "Back to School signs that appear in shops" and "posh people". However, she failed to put in Bow ties after host Paul Merton pointed out that Stan Laurel regularly wore a bow tie. On 27 February 2006, Smith died as a consequence of ovarian cancer at the age of 48. She had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer three and a half years earlier but, not wanting to be thought of as a patient or a victim, she did not want people to know. Before she died she chose that her funeral be humanist, and her memorial at the Theatre Royal, Stratford East, on 10 March, was dedicated to the BHA. Her life and work were honoured at the British Academy Television Awards in 2006. The first episode of Dawn French's Girls Who Do: Comedy was dedicated to the memory of Linda Smith. Two tribute gigs were held in her memory. The first took place on 14 May 2006 at the Lyceum Theatre, Sheffield, In Praise of an English Radical, the second on 4 June 2006 at the Victoria Palace Theatre in London entitled Tippy Top: An Evening of Linda Smith's Favourite Things. In August 2006, Andy Hamilton presented a BBC Radio 4 tribute entitled Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star. An anthology on CD, entitled I Think the Nurses Are Stealing My Clothes: The Very Best of Linda Smith, was released in November 2006 as was a book with the same name. A tribute show of the same name was aired on BBC Radio 4 on 10 November 2006. Linda Smith was an amazing entertainer and observer of the human condition; unfortunately her most famous one - liner has come to haunt the local area, and to (in my mind, anyway) give an unfair impression. She said "Erith isn't twinned with anywhere, but it does have a mutual suicide pact with Dagenham". Her life partner, Warren Larking has recently been working with The University of Kent to archive her work. Like many comedians, Linda Smith recorded every performance she made – mainly to find out what jokes and stories worked with her audience, and those that did not. Warren Larkin inherited this cast collection of cassettes, video tapes and CD’s upon her death, and has now decided to donate the thousands of hours of recording to The University of Kent, so that they can digitise the recordings before the magnetic tape deteriorates to the point where it becomes unplayable. The head of Drama at the University, Professor Double said of the collection” “Having her complete work is incredible. Usually we just hear the ‘best of’ compilations, but this collection includes off-air work so you can hear how she developed her skills and when things go a bit wonky. It is still early days, but ultimately it would be great if we can get most of this available online, much like the history of cartoons archive the university has, but that is some way in to the future. We have the time consuming job of going through it all first to see exactly what we have. It is an exciting time.” This all sounds like excellent news – Linda Smith was an important comic and writer, and one of the few people from Erith to make a name for themselves outside of the local area. Occasional Maggot Sandwich contributor and site owner of The Belvedere Splash Facebook group Ian wrote the following article about Linda Smith and events shortly after her untimely death:- "In 2006 I was an avid listener to BBC7 (or Radio 4 Extra as it is now known), DAB radio was still pretty niche and a station playing classic comedy and radio plays even more so, but I lapped up the likes of Hancock, Round The Horne and assorted drama and documentaries as well as classic sci-fi like Doctor Who. I’d heard of some of the shows but being in my mid-30s I had never heard stuff like this before, quality laugh out loud comedies and programmes to make me ponder and get excited about that were made (mostly) 20 years or so before I was even born. Beat the hell out of what was currently on TV (even if no-one got the references I dropped into day to day conversation!) and as we had two small children I spent a lot of time in the kitchen pottering about so had the time and space to listen to the radio where as sitting on the sofa watching TV was a distant memory. I signed up to the BBC7 weekly newsletter and a few months after Linda Smith’s passing they announced they would be having a memorial tribute show and a competition to win tickets and a rather spiffing BBC branded portable Roberts radio. I’m not sure if I was the only entrant but I’m 99 percent sure I was the only entrant from Erith, Linda’s home town, whichever the case I won. I must admit I’d heard of Linda Smith but only vaguely. I remember about 10 years before hand flicking on the TV late one night and seeing her talk about “Eriff” in her stand up and had heard a few shows with her as a panellist on The News Quiz, Just a Minute and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue but I can’t say I knew her or her comedy that well but was…proud (?) to have a comedienne who came from the same area I lived in (the only other one I can think of off hand from the local area is the brilliant Mark Steel, who originated from Swanley). The BBC7 controller (a lovely lady, sadly her name escapes me) contacted me to say I’d won and we ended up striking up quite a nice little friendship that lasted a few months after the tribute show. She seemed interested on my thoughts and enthusiasm about the station because of my age and the fact I went against the BBC’s demographics of who would listen to the station, she’d also run into Linda a few times whilst working at the BBC and was interested in my view on Erith (nicking and paraphrasing a line from Mr Pewty, I once told her the best view of the place was through the viewfinder on a bomber flying over). The night of the show rolled around and after securing a babysitter my wife and I trooped up to a studio theatre in the backstreets of London to sit and watch the recording of “Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star” compared by Andy Hamilton (writer and performer in the rather fabulous Old Harry’s Game and BBC1’s Outnumbered) with a stellar cast of comedy stars, friends and colleagues including Jeremy Hardy, Mark Steel, Hattie Hayridge, Sandi Toksvig, Nicholas Parsons, Chris Neill, Tony Hawks, Phill Jupitus, Simon Hoggart, Barry Cryer and her partner Warren Lakin. I was a bit awestruck to be honest as we were sat in the front row and mingled with the cast in the bar. Some of these people I had grown up with on TV, read books written by them and in the case of Barry Cryer I was in the presence of a veritable God of comedy (he’s written or had a hand in writing for everyone from Bob Hope to Morecambe and Wise to John Cleese, Marty Feldman, The Goodies, Kenny Everett, the list is never-ending). I offered to buy him a drink and he laughed wryly and waving his bottle at the bar told me he drunk for free. The BBC7 controller was there too and was a gracious host and I noticed she kept watching me and my wife during the show when Linda’s life in Erith was brought up. The show that went out didn’t bear much relation to the one we watched as it was very off the cuff and relaxed and (Phill Jupitus especially) very sweary. There was obviously a lot of love for Linda in the room but even though her dying was the reason we were all there was no maudlin sadness, in fact there was nothing but joy. Sadly we had to leave just before the end of the show due to having to catch the last train home but it was a wonderful night and I can’t think of a warmer, more intimate, more affectionate send off to a comedian. She was obviously well loved by her contemporaries and that shone throughout the show". Fascinating stuff; I wonder how long it will be before the local area produces another entertainer of similar calibre? Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Regular Maggot Sandwich readers may be aware that I had an involvement with offshore radio station Radio Caroline in the late 80's / early 90's - as can be seen by my photos located here. I was based on the Ross Revenge, the ship Radio Caroline had used since 1983, and is still around in 2020, though it is now moored in the River Blackwater in Essex, where it is possible to visit it on certain occasions - click here if you are interested in joining an organised visiting trip. Prior to the advent of the Ross Revenge, Radio Caroline had a previous ship, the smaller and somewhat less sturdy Mi Amigo. The Mi Amigo sank during a storm, almost exactly forty years ago. In what was a life threatening situation, the radio-ship which had withstood a beaching in 1966 and the best part of a decade at sea with little or no maintenance, finally gave up on the night of 19th - 20th March 1980 after the anchor chain snapped in a north easterly gale and she drifted onto Long Sands where she grounded. The Sheerness lifeboat Helen Turnbull was called out and stood by as the Mi Amigo floundered. Although the crew initially thought it might be possible to call a tender to tow them back to the normal anchorage, the weather had other thoughts, and heavy seas caused the ship to be lifted up and down on what was left of the anchor chain. Holes were soon punched into her thin hull with the result that, with the bilge pumps being unable to clear the water faster than it was flooding in, the ship was doomed. Presenter Stevie Gordon made a final announcement before he, fellow presenters Tom Anderson and Nick Richards, along with a Dutch engineer Hans Verlaan, prepared to abandon ship. The Helen Turnbull made some thirteen attempts to get close enough to Mi Amigo to take the men – plus the ship's canary – off, which they finally did. The Mi Amigio finally sank some 20 minutes later, leaving just the aerial mast sticking above the crashing waves. It was the end of an era. Less than three years later, Radio Caroline was back on air from the North Sea from the Ross Revenge. The station is still very much alive and well, broadcasting on 648 KHz on Medium wave, in many parts of the country on DAB, and streaming online. You can see the Radio Caroline website by clicking here.

At 10:30pm on Wednesday, 8th March 1978, exactly forty two years ago today, the first episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was broadcast on BBC Radio 4. At the time no-one - least of all its creator Douglas Adams - would have known that the story of galactically - displaced nobody Arthur Dent would one day travel as far in the pop-cultural landscape as the book’s characters did across the universe. I got into Hitchhikers pretty early on - I recall that when I was at school, I could recite, word perfect, entire chunks of the first two books. In the years since in inception, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy has existed in almost every form imaginable - first a radio series, then a book, record albums (different to the radio versions), a television series, various stage productions, a computer game, a towel and a major motion picture - each one expanding on or compressing previous versions, using some aspects, flatly contradicting others and completely ignoring the rest. It has proven astonishingly prolific as a franchise, and that’s probably because its main thesis – that the universe is an idiosyncratic and absurd place as viewed from a human perspective – is one that can’t help but resonate with audiences across time and space. One of Adams's stated goals was to be experimental in the use of sound. Being a fan of Pink Floyd and The Beatles, and especially the experimental concept albums both bands produced in the late 1960s and early 1970s, Adams wanted the programme to have the feel of a "rock album ... to convey the idea that you actually were on a spaceship or an alien planet—that sense of a huge aural landscape". The first series was therefore the first BBC radio comedy to use stereophonic techniques. Adams later said that before Hitchhiker's, stereo was deemed impossible for radio comedy and after it was made compulsory. Producer Geoffrey Perkins recalled that the technology available in 1978 for mixing sound effects at the BBC's Paris Theatre radio studio was limited. The production had one eight track tape recorder at their disposal and so many of the effects in the programme were mixed "live" with tape loops of background sound effects strung around the recording studio. Actors whose speech needed to be modified in post-production by Radiophonic technicians, such as Stephen Moore's performance as Marvin the Android, were recorded in isolation from the main "humanoid" characters. Allegedly, Moore recorded most of his performance in a cupboard and met the other actors only after the first session was complete. The theme tune used for the radio series (and all subsequent adaptations) is "Journey of the Sorcerer", an instrumental piece composed by Bernie Leadon and recorded by The Eagles on their album One of These Nights. Adams chose this song for its futuristic-sounding nature, but also for the fact that it had a banjo in it, which, as Geoffrey Perkins recalls, Adams said would give it an "on the road, hitch-hiking feel" Sound and effects were created by Paddy Kingsland, Dick Mills and Harry Parker of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Several of the sound effects recorded by Dick Mills for the first series were released on the album BBC Sound Effects No. 26 – Sci-Fi Sound Effects. In case you are unfamiliar with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the reason I picked the forty second anniversary of its first broadcast is that as Guide fans know, the number 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

Some relevant comments from a regular reader and occasional contributor who chooses to remain anonymous on this occasion. They write:- "I unfortunately witnessed a road traffic accident near the horse roundabout in Belvedere yesterday around 10am. Not entirely sure what happened but several cars had stopped on the inner section of the roundabout and there was a man laying in the road - from the brief time I was there it appeared to be a motorcyclist (moped). On my way back home two mopeds had been parked by the side of the road with an ambulance was in attendance.  Hopefully the chap is OK. I do find the road markings to be quite poor/confusing, three lanes, filtering, all combined with a dual carriageway. It could be my imagination but both the Fish and Horse roundabouts seem to have more than their fair share of accidents. Regarding the C19 Coronavirus, I feel the media have completely blown it out of proportion. Neither Morrisons, nor Asda appear to be suffering a deluge of panic buying - a few lines are missing but nothing that screams the four horsemen are at our doorstep. I've been very disappointed to receive constant updates from the BBC suggesting we should batten down the hatches - it's incredibly dangerous in my opinion. Whilst the financial markets have been hit quite heavily - likely because C19 has highlighted other weaknesses , from a day-to-day perspective nothing has really changed. Irrespective, I hope everyone uses their common sense and avoids unnecessary travel and only purchases what they need. Social media has also been up to it's old tricks, I have seen a noticeable uptick on conspiracy theories. You may be interested to learn the book "The Eyes of Darkness" (Dean Koontz) described a scenario very similar to the current situation. Given the sheer number of prophesies people dream up, some of them are likely to come true". A very interesting and pertinent viewpoint - I concur wholeheartedly regarding the problems with both the traveller cob roundabout in Lower Belvedere, and the De Luci fish roundabout in Erith, both of which seem to suffer from a disproportionate number of road traffic accidents. What do you think? Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Now for the weekly local safety and security updates from Bexley Borough Neighbourhood Watch Association. Firstly the report from Barnehurst ward:- "Over the last seven days there has been no vehicle crime reported however there has been two burglaries reported, these both occurred overnight of the Tuesday 25th and Wednesday 26th February in Taunton Close. Entry in both cases was gained through the front door. One address had two cars taken along with money and wallet. The other address had a games console taken. As a result once smartwater has been rolled out in Holmsdale Grove, Taunton Close will be next in line. The next community contact session will be held at Barnehurst Golf Course on the Wednesday18th March at 11am". Belvedere ward:- "There was a burglary reported which would have occurred in early February – the victim was in hospital at the time of the offence. Entry was gained via the rear patio doors being smashed and at this stage it remains unclear what was taken from the property. Garage burglaries remain a prominent issue across the ward - padlocks are being cut from garage doors to allow entry. These offences appear to be being caused in areas of garage blocks rather than garages attached to residential properties. Overnight from Sunday 1st March into Monday 2nd March a garage was broken into at Mitre Court in Picardy Road. A high valued motorcycle was then taken from the location. There was another garage burglary reported that took place in Raglan Road. Four BMW tyres were taken from this garage at some time between Tuesday 18th February and Monday 2nd March. There was also a residential burglary in Braesyde Close this week – entry was gained via an insecure window to the front of the property – the window had been left slightly open overnight". Bexleyheath ward:- "Friday 28/02/20 1340 - 1350 Theft From Motor Vehicle Albion Road car park (behind HSBC) Cash stolen from vehicle by smashing window with occupant in vehicle – Please be careful using this car park this is not the first time an incident like this has occurred. Saturday 29/02/20 1500 01/03/20 0400 Theft of Motor Vehicle Carey Court, Gravel Hill. Motorbike stolen from underground car park. Monday 2/03/20 0100 – 0800 Attempted Burglary Iris Avenue. Lock from back gate has been broken – no entry gained to home, nothing taken. Monday 02/03/20 1100 – 1130 Theft from Person Broadway near Santander. Purse taken from bag. Sunday 1/03/20 0000 – 0100 Theft From Motor Vehicle Broadway. Number Plate stolen. Monday 2/03/20 1400 – 1500 Theft Broadway between Primark and New Look. Mobile phone stolen. Please do ensure that everyone is aware of their surroundings whilst out and about as there are still pickpockets about". Crayford ward:- "Crime this week in Crayford has been mainly vehicle related. Between 16.30 on Monday 24th February and 07.45 on Tuesday 25th February the side door of a Transit was crow barred open and a significant amount of power tools stolen at Wyatt Road. A blue Suzuki 125cc with registration number LG58JHO was stolen from outside premises at The Parade, Crayford Way on Thursday 27th February at 09.00. Two male suspects used another bike to push the bike away. A vehicle with the registration HJ64UXX was taken from outside the Crayford Arms between 19.00 on Sunday 1st March and 06.15 on Monday 2nd March. Between Saturday 15th and Friday 21st February the catalytic convertor was stolen from a grey Honda HRV from outside Beech Haven Court in London Road. A Mappin and Webb watch was taken from Soleil, victim had left it unattended and when they returned it had gone, a timely reminder to put valuable items away, out of sight if not being worn. A shed was broken in to between 21.00 on Wednesday 26th February and 07.30 on Thursday 27th February at Bexley Close. The lock was removed and a Allez E5 Sport Gents racing bike with dropped handlebars was taken. We assisted the Boys Brigade with their parade on Sunday 1st March marching from Hall Place to Crayford Methodist Church at Bexley Lane and returning to Hall Place. Thankfully the weather was good and we trust that motorists were not too inconvenienced with the short holds to keep the parade together and safe. The team have been very busy this week. A van was seized after being seen crawling around cul de sacs. The van was stopped in Hillbrow, the driver was processed for having no tax, no MOT, no insurance, no driving licence and the van was on false plates. Our team have access to police motorcycles and were able to deal with and off road motorcyclist on the Braeburn Park nature reserve. A male was processed by means of community resolution after a positive drugs stop. A male was arrested after a domestic incident. Two stolen vehicles were recovered in Burgate Close and Grazeley Close". Erith ward - no report this week. 

Northumberland Heath ward:- "This week unfortunately there has been one distraction burglary on Oakdene Road involving an elderly victim. The suspect entered through the back door and helping himself to the victims purse within the kitchen area , stating he had completed gardening work. There was another burglary on Belmont Road entering through the front door. PCSO Lorraine O'Hara and PCSO Pigott attended a report of a damaged Garage in Brook vale Road and came across (80) eighty stolen parcels which had been placed inside the garage area .During the search two suspects approached the garage on a motorbike and made of from Officers . During this incident the suspects slipped of the motorbike and ran on foot from Officers. The motorbike was reported as stolen and was then recovered to the victim .This investigation is still ongoing. There has also been several reports of theft from motor vehicles including theft of number plates". From a Member of the Public - in Brook Vale:-"A resident went to her garage which is located to the rear of her property and found that the padlock had been cut off. Upon opening the door she found that there were large laundry bags containing parcels from catalogue companies, which are now believed to be stolen. The police visited the garage and removed the property". Slade Green and Northend ward:- "One theft from Motor Vehicle where a phone and Bluetooth speaker were stolen from a vehicle in Betsham Road between 10am and 1pm on Saturday 29/02/2020. A reminder again that we urge everyone to remove all valuable property from your vehicles at all times. We assisted North Heath SNT during the evening of Friday 28th February. PCSO Mark was with their PCSO Lorraine and they found over 80 stolen items dumped in an unused garage in Brook Vale. While looking at the property, 2 males with a motorbike came round the corner, realised police were on scene, dropped the bike and ran off. The bike turned out to be stolen from Abbey Wood the day before and it was reunited with its owner. PCSO Mark attended Slade Green Seniors Cinema Club on Monday 02/03 and spoke with over 40 attendees about Smart Water. Everyone who wanted one was given a kit and their registration forms filled in. Our next Community Contact Session is on Tuesday 10/03 from 1230 at St Augustine's Welcome Café". Thamesmead East ward:- "Surlingham Close Sun 1/3/20 5pm – 8:10pm suspect/s unknown smashed rear door window of residential property, carried out an untidy search in all rooms, there is evidence of suspect/s standing on victims bed to pull items out of overhead cupboards. Suspect/s removed a pillowcase in order to carry stolen items including jewellery, vehicle keys. £150 pounds in notes and £300 in £2 coins. Victims work van keys found inside a carrier bag in the property, along with an amount of old watches apparently left by suspect/s. Kingfisher Close Sunday 1/3/20 5:30pm – 9pm unknown suspect/s has smashed a whole glass panel in the victims back door to gain entry and take property". West Heath ward:-"One attempted burglary in Preston Drive on Wednesday 26/02/20 0030 – 00.35. A male was seen on the ring doorbell trying the door handle. Entry was not gained. A burglary took place in Chessington Avenue on Saturday 29/02/20 04.15 – 04.40. The occupants heard a noise and did not realise at the time that they had been burgled and two Skodas from outside the address. The vehicles have seen been recovered. An Audi was stolen by means of a burglary in Clovelly Road on Tuesday 03/03/20 at 04.29. Theft of a catalytic converter in Madison on Wednesday 26/02/20 20.30 – 2.55. Criminal damage to a motor vehicle in Lenham Road on Saturday 29/02/20 23.15 – 01.00 Sunday 01/03/20 the windscreen was smashed".

The end video this week comes from local singer / songwriter Brian Silk; if his name sounds familiar, it is probably because Brian has been an occasional contributor to the Maggot Sandwich, in the form of local restaurant reviews. Brian also been involved in local football and is active in a number of local community groups. Brian’s new single, Every Day I Read You Like A Book, is now out on world-wide release. The track is available on all major platforms, such as Spotify, iTunes, Amazon Music and Deezer. This is Brian’s first single from his forthcoming album to be released later this year. He said, “I would describe Every Day I Read You Like A Book as a spiky alternative/indie pop song with a singalong chorus. I love quirky alternative pop music and I tried to write a slightly offbeat guitar-based song. The lyrics are a bit off-beat, too, but I think a lot of people will relate to them.” Please send comments and feedback to hugh.neal@gmail.com. You can visit Brian's website by clicking here.

Five stars.

You may recall that last week I wrote a fairly detailed piece on the Ring range of internet enabled "Smart" doorbells, and how they were very easy for malicious people to hack. Following this article, I was contacted by local technologist and software developer Miles, who is the owner of several Ring devices, as well as a large number of other pieces of fairly cutting edge technology. I was expecting him to rebuke me for exaggerating the level of risk involved in using the technology, but in fact quite the opposite turned out to be the case. Miles writes:- " I spotted your comments on the Ring doorbell and thought I'd drop you an email. I believe the general populous does not appreciate just how insecure IoT (Internet of Things) devices actually are. As you know I do like a gadget so I own quite literally tens of these device performing all kinds of tasks from motion sensing, smart switches, thermostats, cctv etc etc. Each and everyone typically runs an embedded distribution of linux, usually BusyBox - most with the default credentials left enabled. Given how cheap microprocessors are these days, each device is actually quite capable, probably faster than a computer you bought fifteen years ago. As you mentioned, once one of these devices are on your network they have free reign to do whatever they want - somewhat akin to locking a burglar inside your house. I bring this up for two reasons, firstly most of these devices are produced in China - not exactly our closest ally and the second, botnets. Often IoT devices are used to create absolutely huge 'botnets' for denial of service attacks against all sorts of targets. With just about everything becoming "internet enabled", it strikes me as we're opening ourselves up to a world of pain. Even as a technologist I'm not even sure what the solution is, or how to protest yourself without going to extreme measures (blocking the devices from accessing the internet, moving them on to a different network or VLAN etc etc). They are inherently insecure. Imagine the personal information you retain on your computer, passwords, images, bank statements, old contracts etc - all it would take is one of those devices to become compromised to take this information and go to town. Identity theft would be a walk in the park, it would be trivial to open up lines of credit etc. I don't know if you remember, Mr Jeremy Clarkson was arrogant enough to post his bank account number online assuming it could not be abused - not long after he was quickly signed up for regular donations to a charity. On a similar vein of thought, I found it curious how willing people are to share their personal information on Facebook. When you consider the likes of Cambridge Analytica, manipulating, or worse, threatening people has never been so easy". My own philosophy of computer use is - 1) Never store anything online that you cannot afford to lose. 2) Assume everything is insecure, or potentially so. 3) Keep - and test - backups. An untested backup is not a backup. 4) Don't use social media - it is the modern equivalent of a bear pit, and potentially bad for your mental health. 5) If an online service is free, then you are the product. Of course your mileage may vary, and the guidelines above are my own personal ones; as always, I abide by the principle of "if it works for you". I often hear people complaining about government organisations such as GCHQ, or the US equivalent, the NSA holding too much information on private individuals, when in reality the likes of Facebook, LinkedIn, Amazon and Google hold far more personally identifiable data on individuals than any government. What do you think? Email me in confidence at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Head chef Louisa Budds at the Bookstore Cafe, run by not for profit group The Exchange, located in the old Carnegie Library in Walnut Tree Road, Erith has got much to celebrate. Not only has the very first health inspection of the kitchens and restaurant area got an outstanding five out of five stars on the "Scores on the Doors" hygiene standard, but on top of this award, the Bookstore Cafe is rated as the number one food venue in the local area on Trip Advisor, as voted for by customers. The poster above gives some details of forthcoming events to be held in the old library - click on it for a larger view. The venue will be closing over the Christmas holidays to allow the staff a decent break before the commencement of business in the New Year. The Bookstore Cafe, and The Exchange will close on the 23rd of December, reopening on the 15th of January 2020. There are big plans for the Bookstore Cafe over the next couple of years, all of which will become apparent in due course.

You might not realise it, but Erith was home to one of Britain’s best loved comedians – the late Linda Smith was born and raised in Erith, and attended what was then Erith College. Linda Smith would have been 61 years old this year, had she not died as a consequence of ovarian cancer at the age of 48. She had an entire line in Erith jokes, which to be honest were spot on, but ended up being believed by people unfamiliar with the town, and have ended up creating a lasting bad impression. For example, when talking about Erith’s teenagers she said “People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they are the only qualification some of these kids are going to get”. Most famously she also said “Erith isn’t twinned with anywhere, but it does have a mutual suicide pact with Dagenham”. In describing Erith she said:- "So that's my home town, and I come from a perfectly ordinary working-class family; and in fact, I didn't really meet middle-class people until I went to university. It was quite a shock, really. People were saying things like 'Well, I was always going to end up doing English, because I was brought up surrounded by books - brought up in a house full of books'; and I'd think 'Yes, so was I; but they were full of Green Shield stamps'. I suppose we could have swapped them for books, but we had our eye on a twin-tub".

As people gear up for Christmas, the whole thorny issue of gifts and gift wrapping comes up. I have a major issue with gift wrapping paper for Christmas presents; due to the treatment much of the paper receives during production, it cannot be recycled, and is especially bad for the environment, as the only way to get rid of it is to put it in landfill, or to burn it. What I have chosen to do is rather than wrapping Christmas presents, I will be giving them in sparkly gift bags, which can be reused, year after year. As I have previously written, this is also the reason that I don't send Christmas cards, as I believe them to be ruinously bad for the environment - wood and rags are pulped to make the cards, energy is used to print them, fossil fuels are used to transport them to the shops, electricity and gas are burned to light and heat the shops, then once they are purchased, more fossil fuels are used to deliver the cards around the planet, then after a few days they are discarded, and many cannot be recycled, due to the plastic or wax derived finishes that many cards have. I can understand the practice in the past, when an annual card sent to friends and loved ones would be a form of annual communication when you might otherwise not hear from them, but nowadays this is far from the case; instant worldwide online communications mean that from my perspective, Christmas cards are consigned to the past.

I cannot thank enough the readers who supply me with information for my stories; without the input from you, the Maggot Sandwich would not be the beast that it is today. the contributions - many anonymous, really help to keep readers informed of what is going on in the local area. Although the area covered by the blog is a little imprecise, it basically covers from Plumstead, following Eastwards along the banks of the River Thames to Crayford, and as far North as Bexleyheath, although if a particularly interesting subject crops up from beyond those geographical boundaries, it is fair game. This week a reader sent me information about the recently published plan for the expansion in use of the River Thames for both passenger and freight traffic. It makes for very interesting reading, and although the references to Erith Pier are slight, it does show that the pier is still being considered for passenger traffic use in the future, as you can see from the lower of the two graphics that are shown above - click on either for a larger view. A summary of the detailed report reads as follows:- "The Thames is London’s greatest natural asset and has become an iconic symbol of the city around the world. Two millennia of history, culture and heritage can be found on its banks from Hampton Court Palace, through to the Houses of Parliament, Tower Bridge, Greenwich and Canary Wharf, once the site of working docks and now one of the most important financial centres in the world. The river is a vital part of city life and an important part of its transport network. London is a growing city. Its population is forecast to increase from around 8.9 million today to 10.8 million within 25 years, generating six million additional trips on the city’s transport system each day by 2041. The London Passenger Pier Strategy sets out the Mayoral and Port of London Authority’s (PLA’s) vision for the role of piers in supporting London’s growth, particularly in east London. It aligns to the objectives in the Mayor’s Transport Strategy and PLA Vision for the Tidal Thames. This includes a PLA target to double annual river patronage to 20 million by 2035, reducing the number of journeys made by car and supporting healthy lives by promoting more walking and cycling. New piers served by extended river bus services will make the river a prime transport mode choice in east London where they can support new developments, homes, jobs and growth. The river can offer an alternative to car use while freeing up capacity on other public transport modes. This strategy focuses on the key challenges that river services face and the role of London’s passenger piers in overcoming them. Much of London’s future residential growth will take place along the Thames in east London with an estimated potential for 350,000 new homes and 370,000 jobs to be created across Inner and Outer east London and the Isle of Dogs over the next 25 years. River services can become a principal public transport mode to serve these developments, like Barking Riverside, supporting the aim of achieving a shift away from car travel. Traditionally, passenger piers on the Thames have been purely functional for the management of river passengers: ticketing, queueing, embarking and disembarking. There is, however, great potential to enhance the customer experience at piers though adopting the Healthy Streets Approach, ensuring piers are accessible for all and improving integration with the wider transport system. Careful management of commercial development at piers, where suitable conditions such as high footfall prevail, also provides opportunities to enhance the customer experience. In the current economic climate it will also need to be supported by a business case showing that the development offers an acceptable return on investment while delivering its core purpose of increasing passenger journeys and improving customer experience". You can download and read the complete, detailed 56 page report by clicking here. Unfortunately there is very little mention of Erith Pier in the document, but just enough to confirm that TfL and the Mayor of London's Office have not completely forgotten about it. One must also take on board that the involvement of the Mayor of London's Office and TfL in respect of river based activities to date has not been great; indeed quite the opposite could be said of their work regarding the replacement Woolwich ferries which are still not functioning as advertised due to a number of factors, including at least one possible design defect. There have been an almost constant series of mechanical and electrical breakdowns, labour strikes and other disruptions to the service, which the public was erroneously told the introduction of the new ships would prevent. There have been several problems with the new service; the ships are run by electric motors powered by diesel generators, and the new automated docking system is also powered by electro magnets. The diesel generators have so far proved far less reliable than predicted. On top of this, the electro magnetic docking system only seems to work properly when there is little wind or tide affecting the movement of the ferries as they dock. Anything less than perfect conditions causes the ferries to bounce on the docking mechanism, and fail to make a secure contact. I have read reports that the new ferries, despite their new technology, are actually far harder to operate than the old 1960's models that they replaced. On top of this, there are a series of ongoing labour disputes between the ferry crews and the management of the service; at the time of writing these are unresolved. Indeed, the excellent 853 Blog is reporting that Woolwich Ferry workers will hold another one-day strike on the 19th of December in a dispute over pay. Transport for London (TfL) is responsible for the service, which carries 20,000 cars and 50,000 passengers each week between Woolwich and North Woolwich, but it is currently run by contractor Briggs Marine. The service has already been halted by 10 days of strikes this year. You can read the full report on the continuing staffing problems with the Woolwich Ferry by clicking here.

The two photographs above were taken as screen captures from a silent, 8mm colour cine film taken of the old Erith Town Centre, just before the demolition engineers moved in to flatten the Victorian structures to make way for the hideous concrete monstrosity that locals had to endure between 1973 and around a decade ago. The demolition of the old Erith was an act of cultural vandalism that the town is only now starting to recover from. The photos above show the last day of trade for L.B Stevens - Master Butcher, filmed on Saturday the 27th May 1967, just before the shop was shut for good and demolished. By the look of things, the immaculate shop, with Len Stevens in his bow tie, spotless apron and straw hat was a real credit to the area. If the vandals had not come in and demolished things, I do wonder if Stevens the Butcher would still be running today? With the increase in popularity of traditional suppliers, Erith could have become a haven for foodies. I am also completely certain that Mr. Stevens would not have shut up shop early just because he could not be bothered to wait until closing time. A lesson that Erith Morrison's could do well to learn, when they close their salad bar at around 7pm, even though the store remains open until 10pm! You are more than welcome to contact me by Email at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

I have written in the past about the woeful sound quality and limited range of the DAB radio deployment in the UK. Low bit rates and often mono audio plague many radio stations that broadcast on the legacy digital radio format. Many stations and multiplexes still broadcast in the old DAB format, rather than the newer and more efficient DAB+ format. In a role that may well be followed by other broadcasters, RTE in Ireland are the first national broadcaster in the world to close down their DAB transmitters. They have to cut their annual budget by 60 million Euros, and the market penetration of DAB in Ireland has been so low that they cannot justify the expense. They are also getting rid of 200 broadcasting staff and engineers. The far newer DAB+ is an upgrade to the original DAB specifications, which uses a more advanced audio codec plus better error correction. It is, in theory, around three times as efficient as the old DAB that we are used to. That means better quality sound – and hopefully fewer mono stations – without the undersea gargling noises (caused by very low bit rate reception in poor signal areas) that some listeners are plagued by. The technology behind DAB means that it is possible to mix DAB and DAB+ services on the same multiplex – a set that doesn't understand the newer stuff will just ignore it. We don't yet know what programming the DAB+ channel on the new multiplex will carry; It may indeed be so compelling that owners of older sets will be motivated to replace them – unless they can just listen to the same station in a different way, such as online or via television using a set top box or Smart TV. So, while it is great news that DAB+ has finally come to the UK, I can't help thinking that it is too little, too late. Without a bold shift of more stations to DAB+, it is never going to gain much traction. Existing channels will likely be too scared of losing customers to switch, and so digital radio will continue for many channels as it is today: overwhelmingly mono and sometimes a bit too glitchy. I feel that an opportunity is now being wasted, as many people who listen to digital radio do so in ways other than DAB already. Streaming content via the web of 4G or 5G wireless data are very common – indeed some radio stations now receive more listeners via streaming than they do in other more traditional transmission methods. The excellent Radio Seagull from the Netherlands is a prime example of this.

Now for the weekly local safety and security reports from Bexley Borough Neighbourhood Watch Association. Firstly the report from Barnehurst ward:- "Good news for Barnehurst residents, again no burglaries to report. In fact it's almost been three weeks since the last burglary. We have had two incidents of vehicle crime. On Monday 2/12/19 in Hilary Close victim returned to find two flat tyres to his vehicle. At Parkside Parade, Northend Road on Saturday 30/11/19 victim had parked a vehicle for fifteen minutes, on returning to the vehicle victim found a window smashed and a mobile phone stolen. We are pleased to report Hillingdon Road, Westfield Road, Midfield Avenue, Beverley Road and Eastleigh Road are now all covered for Smart Water. Our next community contact session will be held at a slightly later time of 04.00pm in Barnehurst Golf Club on Tuesday 17th December 2019. Hopefully this later time is more convenient for some residents so we look forward to welcoming some new faces". Belvedere ward:- "We have suffered a few burglaries over the last week. We had one on Picardy Road, between 1630-1730 on Wednesday 27/11/2019 where the front door damaged via a tool and entry gained. Jewellery was taken. On Thursday 28/11/2019 between 0820-1740 on poplar Mount a glass pane was smashed on the rear door to gain entry. The thieves stole some jewellery and left the upstairs in a mess. On Friday 29/11/2019 on Stanmore Road between 0700-1920 a similar method was used with the rear door having its glass smashed and entry gained. Nothing was taken that we are aware of at the time of writing. Also on Friday 29/11/2019 around 1920 the victim returned home and believed the burglars were inside. They escaped via the rear door, which had the glass smashed. This is also believed to be the entry point. Nothing known taken at the time of writing. On the Saturday 30/11/2019 at 1637 the victim was disturbed in her bedroom by a female who claimed that the front door was open. This happened on Waterfield Close. The female was escorted out of the house and told not to come back. She then asked for some money for the electric meter. This was declined. Police were called, the female was then seen to knock at other addresses on Waterfield Close and beg for money and head towards the bus stop on Yarnton Way. The female is described as being white, aged 25-30 years but looking older, shoulder length brown hair, 5'2 in height wearing a three green quarter length parker jacket and a grey tracksuit. She had an English accent. Apparently a female with a similar description has been seen begging in Erith Town and Morrison's at Thamesmead. There has also been reports that a female has been doing door knocks on various roads around the borough asking for money for the electric meter. PC Mark has conducted two interviews this week in relation to cannabis he found on two males on Ruskin Road. Both have admitted the offence of Possession, one being just 17 years old. The adult was given a fine and the youth was referred to the young offender team". Bexleyheath ward:- "On Friday 29th November between 6.30-7.15 a house was burgled in Belvedere Road. Owners left around 6.30. Neighbours noticed alarm sound and alarm flashing and alerted the police. Entry was gained from the back by breaking the glass door but seems they left from the front and left the front door opened which was also noticed by neighbours. Due to Neighbourhood Watch and a street Whatsapp group owners were notified straightaway and they came back, but unfortunately the two bedrooms had already been searched the burglars. A bag and jewellery were stolen. Friday 22/11/19 1230 Theft of mobile phone from unattended handbag Broadway Bexleyheath. Thursday 28/11/19 2000 – 29/11/19 0108 Theft of Motor Bike Church Road. Friday 29/11/19 1625 Theft of Purse whilst shopping in Card Factory – 2 x Eastern European Females knocked into lady and shortly afterwards her purse was missing. Friday 29/11/19 2210 Grove Road vehicle stolen by person being threatened. Friday 29/11/19 1915 Burglary Belvedere Road jewellery and cash taken entry gained by smashing rear patio door. Saturday 30/11/19 0355 Midhurst Hill - Attempted Burglary fence broken in garden and also neighbours believed alarm disturbed them. Sunday 1/12/19 1445 Cafe Nero Broadway, a handbag taken off of chair as victim stood to put on coat. Sunday 1/12/19 1300 – 3/12/19 0750 Attempted Theft of Motor Vehicle Gravel Hill Close. Monday 2/12/19 1130 – 1330 Purse taken from bag whilst shopping on Broadway unknown which store. Monday 2/12/19 1000 – 1800 Burglary Latham Road jewellery taken and entry gained by hinges being removed from the back door".

Crayford ward:- "BBNWA attended the Crayford Waterside Gardens Christmas Festival on Saturday 30th November. The lighting was atmospheric, the public were cheery and the carol singers sung beautifully. Residents from the borough stopped by the Neighbourhood Watch stand and chatted, discussed local Neighbourhood Watch topics, received advice and information, and some registered to be coordinators for streets that currently don't have a Neighbourhood Watch scheme in place. The Mayor of Bexley and her husband also stopped by the Bexley Borough Neighbourhood Watch Association gazebo. It was a great day and a fantastic way to begin this festive season! Just one burglary, but still one too many! A TV and other items were stolen from a property in Halcot Avenue on Thursday 28th November between 16.45 – 17.20, no other details are known at present. All other crimes are motor vehicle related. A catalytic convertor was stolen off a black Toyota Prius whilst parked at Hall Place car park on Thursday 28th November between 10.45-13.00. An attempted theft of a catalytic convertor from a Ford Transit whilst parked in Swaisland Drive (rear of Crayside shops in Crayford Way) occurred between 18.10 on Wednesday 27th November and 7.25 on Friday 29th November. A white Ford Transit YG12NVO was stolen from Watling Street between 20.30 on Wednesday 27th November and 09.30 on 28th November. A grey BMW 1 series with three hooded occupants was seen on CCTV to break in to a container using a battery operated saw at 00.55 on Friday 29th November at Optima Park, in this instance they didn't get anything. A red Toyota Yaris with the number plate LV03BJU was stolen between 22.00 on Thursday 28th November without keys from Hillside Road. Between 22.00 on Monday 2nd December and 11.00 on Tuesday 3rd December a window on a blue Mini Cooper was smashed. We attended the Crayford Winter Festival on Saturday afternoon and gave out several Met Trace packs. The following is a response received from TfL when I requested an update recently about changes to routes 428 and 492. “We are currently in the process of reading through and analysing each of the large number of comments made during the consultation. Once this analysis is complete we will publish a Consultation Report detailing how the consultation was run and what responses we received. We will also publish our responses to the issues raised once they have been fully considered. Whilst this is happening the routes will remain as they are. Given this delay any changes will not be happening in January 2020; we will confirm any date when we announce our final decision.” Our next community contact session is on Wednesday 11th December at Crayford Library between 14.00-15.00".

Erith ward:- "Two vehicles have been stolen in the last week. A moped was stolen from West Street between 1745 and 1820 hours on Sunday 01/12/2019. A locker was broken into between 6pm and 8pm on Monday at Erith Leisure Centre, keys to a car taken and the vehicle stolen. Both incidents are currently ongoing investigations. Erith SNT are starting a Smart Water property marking scheme at the Quarry this coming week and then on to other areas. For more information, please email the team.  PCSO's Mark and Adam from each team, were invited to the Slade Green Seniors Cinema Club Christmas event on Monday 02/12/2019 at Slade Green Community Centre where over 90 residents from both wards had drinks and lunch with the Mayor of Bexley and Sir David Evennett, before the residents all sat to watch A Christmas Carol". Northumberland Heath ward:- "This week the team have been following up on a number of reports of a black male, approx. age 27 years old, the male has been allegedly approaching women in the Northumberland Heath area, mainly along Bexley Road. He is engaging in conversations of a sexual nature, making the women feel uncomfortable and scared. If you have any information on similar incidents, please contact the team and let us know. We have had numerous reports of ASB in Bronte Close. The team are in the process of gathering CCTV footage, it is believed that some of the youths involved are local residents. The team will soon be visiting home addresses, the local authority will also be notified as this could constitute a breach of tenancy. Unfortunately we have had a number of crimes this week as follows:-Monday 30/11/19 overnight between the hours of 00:00-07:45 hours a set of number plates were stolen from a black Ford Fiesta on Matfield Road. VRM – LR57 LSN. Wednesday 1/12/19 overnight between 23:00- 09:04 hours a vehicles window was smashed and cash stolen, the vehicle was parked on Frinstead Road. Tuesday 2/12/19 Burglary on Colindale Road at approx. 18:50 hours, 3 suspects disturbed, entry via kitchen door that was left ajar. Thursday 4/12/19 Burglary on Bedonwell Road between 18:10 – 20:05 hours. Entry via forced rear doors".

Slade Green and Northend ward:- "A burglary took place at some time between Saturday 30/11/2019 and Monday 02/12/2019 in Lydia Road. The victims were away at the time. Entry was made by smashing the rear patio door window after climbing into the back garden using a wheelie bin. Jewellery was taken. An attempted burglary took place around the corner in Springhead Road on Saturday evening, again, the rear patio door window was smashed, entry was not gained. This is the 4th incident in the past few weeks in the same area. Patrols are being made in all the alleyways that link in to all these roads. CCTV footage from various residents have shown a male trying car door handles between 4am and 5am on Tuesday 02/12. This took place in Rainbow Road and the new development at Egerton Place which is Richmer Road and the dead end part of Slade Green Road. All of the information and footage was sent to us by N.Watch coordinators in Rainbow Road and after a successful meeting with PCSO Mark and Claire from N.Watch, residents at the new development will be setting up a new watch in the next few weeks.  Mark attended the Slade Green Big Local Christmas event on Saturday 30/11/2019 where there were many attendees enjoying ice skating, various stalls, raffles, reindeer and Santa's Grotto. If you look closely at the attached picture, the Santa looks slightly familiar!!  PCSO's Mark and Adam from each team, were invited to the Slade Green Seniors Cinema Club Christmas event on Monday 02/12/2019 at Slade Green Community Centre where over 90 residents from both wards had drinks and lunch with the Mayor of Bexley and Sir David Evennett, before the residents all sat to watch A Christmas Carol. Our next CCS is on Monday 09/12/2019 from 11am at the café in Forest Road. At 6pm on Sunday 08/12/2019, St Augustines is holding their Carols by Candlelight service. Everyone is welcome to join in singing Carols and listen to the readings. Mark is honoured to be reading the 6th lesson of the service". Thamesmead East ward:- "Burglary - Monday 2/12/19 Walsham Close between 9:30pm – 4:30am suspect/s entered property through front door which may not have been secured as no forced entry seen. Property taken a handbag containing bank cards Driving licence and a notebook containing passwords. It has since come to notice that the cards have been used at 4 different locations. Wallet containing partners bank card and Oyster card also taken. Vehicle Crime - Saturday 30/11/19 Kale Road between 8pm – 10am Victims tyres have been slashed by suspect/s unknown for the third time in under 2 weeks. Good News - PC Nana arrested a female on suspicion of handling stolen goods. Recently there were reports on social media about a female knocking on doors in the Thamesmead and Belvedere areas. If anyone has CCTV or has been a victim of her actions please ring 02087212049". West Heath ward:- "No burglaries have been reported to us over the last week. On Wednesday November 27th between 11am – 5.50pm in Longleigh Lane a front door to a property was damaged and entry gained. An untidy search was conducted and a gold necklace was stolen from a bedroom in the house. Theft of a number of items from a garage in Dryhill Road between Saturday November 2nd and midday on Monday November 3rd. Two high value Jet Ski's a sewing machine and other items were stolen. Theft of number plates from a black Honda Civic parked in Seaton Road overnight on Monday December 2nd 10pm – Tuesday December 3rd. One attempted theft/motor vehicle interference in Woolwich Road Saturday November 30th – Sunday December 1st at 8am. The owner of the vehicle discovered the driver's side door lock had been drilled out. Nothing appeared to have been taken and a screwdriver was found by the vehicle. Last Friday the team spoke to pupils at a local primary school about the role of a Police Officer/Police Community Support Officer. The children got to ask lots of questions and try on pieces of uniform. A great time was had by all".

The end video this week is a historical look at Plumstead and Woolwich; it is a montage of old photographs taken from the late Victorian age until the 1940's. Do give it a watch - many locations are easily identifiable today. Email me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.

Mysterious lights in the sky.

The photo above was taken by me recently; it shows the sun setting over Erith Pier at high tide. It is the only time when you can get a glassy stillness to the water - providing there is little or no wind. It is a beautiful place to be when the weather and tide conditions are just right. On Monday evening I had an exceedingly strange experience, which I want to share with you in case anyone can shed a light on what I saw. At about 8.30pm I was returning home to Pewty Acres after an evening shopping trip to the Morrison’s supermarket in James Watt Way, Erith. As many will know, the supermarket is located on the banks of the River Thames, which you can see in the photo above - click on it for a larger view. As I walked home across Morrison’s car park, I looked out over the river. Normally one can see ships moving up or down river, or aircraft coming in to land at London City Airport. This time I saw something which immediately grabbed my attention. I saw a total of eighteen (and yes, I did count) balls of bright light in the sky, travelling at what appeared to be several hundred miles an hour eastwards, away from London. Each ball of light was roughly the same orange colour of a sodium street light, and they were arranged in formations of three, in a chevron pattern. They appeared to be following the course of the river, and they travelled silently. I also saw much higher up a passenger plane making a descent to London City Airport. I watched the formation of lights for around two minutes as they travelled from horizon to horizon. I could hear no engine sounds from the lights (although I could hear the jet engine sounds from the passenger jet travelling in the opposite direction).  Normally if I saw an orange light moving in the sky, I would immediately identify it as a Chinese sky lantern, but these lights were travelling in formation, were far too bright to be lanterns, and were travelling far too quickly to have been blown by the wind (which in any case was blowing in nearly the opposite direction).  I have absolutely no idea what the lights were, but I am certain that many other people must have seen them as well. I am really surprised not to have seen any mention of this puzzling event on the local or regional press; I assumed that thousands of other people must have seen what I saw. Did you see the lights too? Do let me know – drop a line to me at hugh.neal@gmail.com.     

Concerns are growing locally in respect of Bexley Council and their plans to sell off the small public park in West Street. You can see a Google Street View image of the park above - feel free to navigate around the virtual area. Local Councillor Abena Oppong-Asare has written to the council, and she kindly sent me a copy of her letter, which I reproduce below for your information. "I am writing to you as an elected Labour councillor for Erith Ward in response to the council’s public survey regarding proposals for possible redevelopment of four open spaces. My response is on behalf of my Erith residents regarding the release of West Street small park and has been developed following discussions with Erith residents.  I appreciate the Council is facing substantial financial challenges, but I strongly oppose the removal of green spaces. Public Health England statistical data published in June 2015 shows that in Bexley, 22.5% (576) of children in Year 6 are classified as obese, worse than the average for England and I feel that keeping open spaces will help reduce obesity in the area. I recognise that the council has been trying to tackle obesity in adults and set up an adult weight management service in September 2014. We also need to tackle the problem of childhood obesity.  Public Health England has carried out research which has shown that over half of people living in deprived areas would take more exercise if green spaces were improved. Furthermore, good quality and well maintained parks are more likely to be used and local residents report higher ‘neighbourhood satisfaction’ and better health as a result.  A lot of regeneration is taking place in Erith. Bexley College Erith Campus opened a year ago. Erith Quarry received planning permission from Bexley Council in March for their development and there is possibility that the former Riverside Baths might be turned into flats. It is therefore vital that Erith maintains what is left of its green public space. I also have grave concerns about the way the survey has been conducted. Question 5 of the survey gives very limited options to residents objecting the closure of any of the parks. The council has many more options than the three mentioned and is misleading ones listed. I also don’t believe that it clarifies the reason to keep West Street small park.

The questions asked are as follows:

Substantial reductions in ground maintenance, which would result in unmaintained parks, the removal of children’s playgrounds and the loss of sports pitches. 

£1 million reduction per year in spending on other Council services. 

A Council tax rise of more than 1.99% (subject to a local referendum) 

I urge the Council to remove its proposal to dispose West Street small park and work with local residents, community groups and ward councillors to establish a way of keeping the park in public use while achieving savings for the council. I would like to conclude by saying that green open spaces are in scarce supply in our area and that West Street small park provides a valuable contribution to the street scene and environment in this deprived area of our borough. I would also like to thank you for giving me and residents in Erith the opportunity to add our comments. 

I look forward to receiving a reply to my comments. 

Yours sincerely 

Councillor Abena Oppong-Asare Erith Ward"

Following my earlier, rather X-Files like experience, I thought that I should bring a note of scientific realism to the rest of the blog update this week. Today we are witnessing a similar outburst of enthusiasm over the to my mind unlikely notion that in the relatively near future, some people are going to be living, working, thriving and dying on the planet Mars. A Dutch non-profit venture called Mars One aspires to send four people to Mars by 2026 as the beginning of a permanent human settlement. In the United States, the non-profit Inspiration One has plans for a two-person team to fly within one hundred miles of the planet, launching from Earth in January 2018. And the entrepreneur Elon Musk, who runs a rocket company called SpaceX, has said he hopes to send the first people to Mars in eleven to twelve years. Unfortunately, this Mars mania - perhaps encouraged by the recent release of the sci fi film "The Martian" reflects an excessively optimistic view of what it actually takes to travel to and live on Mars, papering over many of the harsh realities and bitter truths that underlie the dream. First, there is the tedious business of getting there. Using current technology and conventional chemical rockets, a trip to Mars would be a gruelling, eight- to nine-month-long nightmare journey for the crew.  Nine months is a long time for any group of people to be travelling in a small, closed,  spacecraft. (it would have  to be far smaller and more functional than the relatively comfy confines of a habitable satellite like the International Space Station). Tears, sweat, urine and perhaps even solid waste will be recycled, the astronauts personal space would be reduced to the size of a small van. Crew members would be in microgravity for the entire trip, with consequent health problems: Bone mass wastes away,  teeth become more susceptible to cavities, the body’s muscles, including the heart, and even the small muscles that control the eye movements, atrophy and lose mass, and astronauts immune, digestive, vascular and pulmonary systems function at impaired levels. In addition, there will be persistent mechanical noise and vibration, sleep disturbances, unbearable tedium, trance states, depression, monotonous repetition of meals, clothing, routines, conversations and so on. Every source of interpersonal conflict, and emotional and psychological stress that one can experience in ordinary, day-to-day life on Earth will be magnified exponentially by restriction to a tiny, hermetically sealed, pressure-cooker capsule hurtling through deep space. To top it all off, despite these constraints, the crew must operate within an exceptionally slim margin of error. As with any cutting-edge technology, there will be continuous threats of equipment failures, computer malfunctions, power interruptions and software glitches. Getting there is the easy part. Mars is a dead, cold, barren planet on which no living thing is known to have evolved, and which harbours no breathable air or oxygen, no liquid water and no sources of food, nor conditions favourable for producing any. For these and other reasons it would be accurate to call Mars a veritable hell for living things, were it not for the fact that the planet’s average surface temperature is minus 81 degrees Fahrenheit. Oxygen on Mars exists as a constituent of water — the O in H2O. Thus, one way to get this essential component of air is to first obtain an adequate store of water. However, there being no proven liquid water reserves on Mars, water, too, must be produced from raw material sources, specifically from the soil, which contains large quantities of Calcium Perchlorate. One plan calls for digging up the soil and placing it into a heater that will evaporate off any water within it. The water vapour is then condensed into a liquid. Oxygen, in turn, can be separated from the hydrogen in the water by means of electrolysis, and then stockpiled. The nitrogen component of air could be “mined” from the thin Martian atmosphere. With these two constituents in hand, and then combined, we finally have a breath of air (although not “fresh” air). This is dependent on water being found in sizable quantities, locked up in the soil and rocks of the Martian landscape. At the time of writing, historical evidence for past stocks of water have been discovered, but it appears that much of it has long evaporated off into space.  These are only a few of the many serious challenges that must be overcome before anyone can put human beings on Mars and expect them to live for more than five minutes. The notion that we can start colonizing Mars within the next ten years or so is an over optimistic, delusory idea that it strikes me as nothing short of wish fulfilment. Much more has to be done before a viable, relatively safe and long term colony on Mars can realistically be contemplated. The proposals so far published all make sweeping assumptions in respect of conditions and the human technology – in a similar way to it always seems to be forty years away from hot fusion power generation becoming feasible in practical terms; we are a lot further away from a viable Mars colony than some of the pundits would have the pubic believe. I wish it was not the case, but unfortunately it is. Mars is still a distant dream.

The last few months have been very quiet in respect of the antics of Joshua Bonehill.  You may recall that I wrote extensively after the self-professed racist anti-Semitic homophobic bigot sent me a threatening and wildly inaccurate Email back in February. The reason that things have been so quiet is that Bonehill has been in prison awaiting trial. On Monday of last week, he went before Southwark Crown Court. He is charged with publishing or distributing written material intended to stir up racial hatred. It is alleged he posted links on Twitter in June to material that would stir up racial hatred ahead of a rally that organisers planned to hold in Golders Green, a predominantly Jewish area of north London. It was later moved and held in central London. Bonehill, of Yeovil in Somerset, loudly declared he was  “absolutely not guilty” as he appeared in the dock at Southwark Crown Court. He was remanded in custody to appear at the same court for trial. A provisional date of the 14th December was arranged. So Bonehill’s still in jail in the meantime. I just hope he gets some diagnosis and treatment for what would seem to be a serious mental illness.

Last week I wrote in some depth about the late Erith born comedienne Linda Smith. This prompted local resident and occasional Maggot Sandwich contributor The rEV to write the following article about Linda Smith and events shortly after her untimely death:- "In 2006 I was an avid listener to BBC7 (or Radio 4 Extra as it is now known), DAB radio was still pretty niche and a station playing classic comedy and radio plays even more so, but I lapped up the likes of Hancock, Round The Horne and assorted drama and documentaries as well as classic sci-fi like Doctor Who. I’d heard of some of the shows but being in my mid-30s I had never heard stuff like this before, quality laugh out loud comedies and programmes to make me ponder and get excited about that were made (mostly) 20 years or so before I was even born. Beat the hell out of what was currently on TV (even if no-one got the references I dropped into day to day conversation!) and as we had two small children I spent a lot of time in the kitchen pottering about so had the time and space to listen to the radio where as sitting on the sofa watching TV was a distant memory. I signed up to the BBC7 weekly newsletter and a few months after Linda Smith’s passing they announced they would be having a memorial tribute show and a competition to win tickets and a rather spiffing BBC branded portable Roberts radio. I’m not sure if I was the only entrant but I’m 99% sure I was the only entrant from Erith, Linda’s home town, whichever the case I won. I must admit I’d heard of Linda Smith but only vaguely. I remember about 10 years before hand flicking on the TV late one night and seeing her talk about “Eriff” in her stand up and had heard a few shows with her as a panellist on The News Quiz, Just a Minute and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue but I can’t say I knew her or her comedy that well but was…proud (?) to have a comedienne who came from the same area I lived in (the only other one I can think of off hand from the local area is the brilliant Mark Steel, who originated from Swanley). The BBC7 controller (a lovely lady, sadly her name escapes me) contacted me to say I’d won and we ended up striking up quite a nice little friendship that lasted a few months after the tribute show. She seemed interested on my thoughts and enthusiasm about the station because of my age and the fact I went against the BBC’s demographics of who would listen to the station, she’d also run into Linda a few times whilst working at the BBC and was interested in my view on Erith (nicking and paraphrasing a line from Mr Pewty, I once told her the best view of the place was through the viewfinder on a bomber flying over). The night of the show rolled around and after securing a babysitter my wife and I trooped up to a studio theatre in the backstreets of London to sit and watch the recording of “Linda Smith: A Modern Radio Star” compared by Andy Hamilton (writer and performer in the rather fabulous Old Harry’s Game and BBC1’s Outnumbered) with a stellar cast of comedy stars, friends and colleagues including Jeremy Hardy, Mark Steel, Hattie Hayridge, Sandi Toksvig, Nicholas Parsons, Chris Neill, Tony Hawks, Phill Jupitus, Simon Hoggart, Barry Cryer and her partner Warren Lakin. I was a bit awestruck to be honest as we were sat in the front row and mingled with the cast in the bar. Some of these people I had grown up with on TV, read books written by them and in the case of Barry Cryer I was in the presence of a veritable God of comedy (he’s written or had a hand in writing for everyone from Bob Hope to Morecambe and Wise to John Cleese, Marty Feldman, The Goodies, Kenny Everett, the list is never-ending). I offered to buy him a drink and he laughed wryly and waving his bottle at the bar told me he drunk for free. The BBC7 controller was there too and was a gracious host and I noticed she kept watching me and my wife during the show when Linda’s life in Erith was brought up. The show that went out didn’t bear much relation to the one we watched as it was very off the cuff and relaxed and (Phill Jupitus especially) very sweary. There was obviously a lot of love for Linda in the room but even though her dying was the reason we were all there was no maudlin sadness, in fact there was nothing but joy. Sadly we had to leave just before the end of the show due to having to catch the last train home but it was a wonderful night and I can’t think of a warmer, more intimate, more affectionate send off to a comedian. She was obviously well loved by her contemporaries and that shone throughout the show". Fascinating stuff; I wonder how long it will be before the local area produces another entertainer of similar calibre?

Software maker Adobe has patched nearly two dozen vulnerabilities in its Flash media player last week, including sixteen that lead to code execution, but is still serving flawed versions with hundreds of holes as part of its Shockwave bundle. The Flash vulnerabilities patched in the last week affect Windows, Mac OS X, and Linux as part of the version 19.x updates. It addresses code execution flaws resulting from buffer overflow vulnerabilities, memory corruption, and stack and stack overflow corruption - all of the nastiest types of software vulnerabilities. Flash was originally launched back in 1996, when web browsers could do little more than render basic HTML (the underlying code which makes up web pages) into colours and text. If you wanted any kind of animation, or streaming video on your website, you needed to use an additional third party toolkit – and Flash was the market leader for many years. Flash Player can run from a web browser as a browser plug-in or on supported mobile devices. Flash Player was created by software developer Macromedia, and has been developed and distributed by Adobe Systems since Adobe acquired Macromedia. Flash Player has a wide user base, and is a common format for games, animations, and GUIs embedded into web pages. Adobe states that more than 400 million out of more than 1 billion connected desktops update to the new version of Flash Player within six weeks of release. The problem with Flash player and the associated toolkits which it comes with is that it is generally accepted as being the single most bug – riddled piece of software to be found on any Windows PC, Mac or Linux box. It is notorious for being a continuous source of serious security vulnerabilities, and patching these seems to be the digital equivalent of painting The Forth Bridge – as soon as one set of security holes get patched, another bunch of them turn up. The irony is that most everyday computer users have not actually needed to have Flash installed on their computers for quite a while now. Over the years the technology built in to the humble web browser has advanced to the point where multimedia plug – ins such as Flash are simply not required. The web browser can use more modern coding such as HTML5 to do create the same functionality without the need for the performance and power sapping overhead of running Flash. Indeed, sites like YouTube, which once required the use of Flash no longer require it at all – everything runs more efficiently and smoothly on modern web browsers such as Google Chrome or Firefox, that Flash is but a distant memory.  In fact, Google (who are the developers of the Chrome web browser) actually block Flash files from downloading automatically, and Mozilla, the organisation behind Firefox are considering doing the same. Flash is old and very past its sell – by date. Very few computer users actually need it nowadays, and it has a horrible propensity for introducing some nasty security holes in your computer. Maybe it is time to wave Flash goodbye?

As Malcolm Knight of the excellent “Bexley is Bonkers” blog has comprehensively beaten me to publication (he publishes daily, I publish weekly) I cannot claim any kind of scoop on the story that the historic Lower Belvedere pub the Leather Bottle has not only closed down, but it looks like the land next to the listed pub building that once was home to the car park and garden is shortly to become the site of a four storey block of flats - at least that is what the local scuttlebut is saying, but no planning application has thus far been received by Bexley Council, and the grounds of the pub contain a well - known public right of way. It would appear that the pub building itself will be safe, due to the listed status of the structure. What will happen to it is currently rather unclear. The Bexley council planning website (never the easiest of experiences to try and extract information from) does not have any recent mention of the Leather Bottle. Hopefully more details will come to hand shortly. I for one am not at all surprised about the closure of the historic pub. I can recall that when I was in the sixth form at school, a group of us would meet in there on a Thursday evening when they had a live music night. The atmosphere was jovial, the staff and customers friendly, and a good time was had by all. I revisited the place a couple of years ago expecting more of the same – as the pub had enjoyed a reputation for being the best (if also the most expensive) pub in the locality. What I found was a scruffy and unkempt pub, surly staff and sour ale which the landlord denied was off. We stayed for one pint – most of which ended up in a pot plant, and left, never to return. I can assume that we are one a couple of many who deserted the place as it entered a terminal decline. One comment from pub review website beerintheevening.com said of the place “Have been using this pub on and off for over 35 years and have seen different owners come and go and of course many bar staff. Went in the other night and the bint behind the bar was chatting on her mobile phone rather than serving anyone. Naturally when she'd finished gas bagging she served the first person she came to which of course wasn’t the person who was next, The disgusting regulars do not have the manners to point out someone was before them and blatantly jumped the queue. What a complete hole this has become. Sad but true of many old haunts I’m afraid. Glad i used it in its heyday.” At least I understand the building itself will be retained, hopefully intact. More on this story in the future.

The ending video is something of a curiosity, and something I found on YouTube, It shows the Brooklyn Organ Synth Orchestra playing Mike Oldfield's classic "Tubular Bells" on a large collection of old synthesisers and organs. Very strange, but very good. See what you think.