Sunday, June 22, 2008

Pickled gherkin and a clean patio.

My sister Julia and her partner Chris came round this afternoon; Chris has a massively powerful jet wash unit that probably violates at least one weapons control treaty - he kindly cleaned my seriously manky patio. You may recall that some time ago I blogged about having my drains back up, and that I had to get them rodded. The action left the area around the back garden manhole looking very grotty indeed. Now everything is back to a more civilised look. The photos above show them both hard at work. Click on any one for a larger version.

I was standing at the 99 bus stop in Erith yesterday morning when a family of Chavs rolled up - mother and father about 20 years old and a brood of three whelps ranging in age from about six to maybe a year old sprog in a push chair. Bearing in mind this was about 11 in the morning, they were all already eating a greasy McDonalds meal. the parents were talking (okay, grunting and swearing as is the Chav norm) and as they did so, they opened up their cholesterol laden burgers and nonchalantly tossed the pickled gherkin slices from the patty, onto the floor without a beat. I was livid - the little slices are very slippery and plenty of elderly people use the area; it was the incredibly casual attitude to littering that really annoyed me. I bit my tongue as if I went into one it would have been in front of very small children. The Captain Tweed element in me wanted to knock their gel encrusted heads together - I don't think I will be so reticent if I ever see it happen again. The sad irony is that the gherkin would have probably been the only green vegetables the social inadequates would have ingested all week had they not chosen to decorate the path with them.

As you may know, I am pork intolerant and am unable to eat anything with pig in it without feeling very unwell indeed. This is a bit of a pain, and I have to read the ingredient list of many common products to determine if I can safely eat them. A new shop has come to my rescue; the old motor bike shop in Plumstead has now been relaunched as an African / Asian food supermarket. All of the food is Halal and they sell both beef and chicken Spam! It turns out that in Muslim countries many of the Western products usually containing pork are made, but using non pig based meats. This is a real winner for me, as I can take advantage of this for my dietary, rather than religious requirements.

I went to the corner shop to get a small carton of milk to make hard working Chris and Julia a cup of tea; on my way homewards a scrote in a passing Citroen Saxo threw a half full can of Lucozade directly at me! Fortunately it missed - and I have absolutely no idea why he chose me as its' target. I discovered recently that in Medieval times a favourite method of dispatching particularly odious criminals was to force them to drink molten lead. I sincerely feel that it is time for some of the more colourful customs of times gone past to be resurrected - one could also give them a modern twist; instead of throwing rotten fruit at crooks in the stocks, one could spice it up by throwing phosphorus grenades. Please feel free to leave comments and feedback below.

The video clip below is an over view of the Nikon D300 DSLR compared to the earlier D200 model; I have owned both and it is a fair review and well worth a look if you have any interest in cameras and photography.


  1. >My sister Julia and her partner Chris
    The use of the word 'partner' means they are (I guess) living in sin ??
    If not, the word would have been her husband. Although the name Chris in this day and age
    could mean male or female.......Lets not go down that path.

    >As you may know, I am pork intolerant and am unable to eat anything with pig in it
    Should we call you Captain Mohamed now ?

    >I was standing at the 99 bus stop in Erith yesterday morning when a family of Chavs rolled up
    You seem to be a Chav magnet!

    >a scrote in a passing Citroen Saxo threw a half full can of Lucozade directly at me!
    If it had been 'Red Bull' (It gives you wings) you could have drunk the remaining drop
    and caught them up and dished out some justis Captain Tweed (Mohamed, I mean) style :>)

    Mr. Walker.

  2. Only you would dream of having a Blog about jet washing your patio of bog roll!
    Is it me or does Chris look spookily like you from a distance in that top photograph? Thought it was you till I embiggened it!

    Beef and chicken SPAM??
    It's not SPAM then! Actually I had fried Spam the other day and SHOCK! HORROR! It was actually quite nice, had it with egg n' chips, not had it for easily 20 years. What's chicken and beef Spam called? Cheef? Beck? Chicbe?!
    Why is it alot of people "hate" gherkin? I don't know what their problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    It's weird some people act as if it was the devils very toenail cuttings (I am in fact an agent of Satan, but my duties are now largely ceremonial...) that’s been put in their burger but as they always come in a burger why do they moan, it's like moaning cos there's sauce under the bun.
    Or a burger.
    Listen, it's part of the burger!
    Don't like it? Don't eat it but don't chuck it!
    Try something else instead! Like that salad your busy dodging you pasty faced, wobbly, shaven headed waste of potential.
    Personally I love gherkin but only in slices, a big fat gherkin floating in vinegar on the counter of a florescent lit chip shop doesn't appeal to me at all in fact it does look like some sorta Troll reproductive appendage which puts me off really…

    You really are like fly-paper for Chav's aren't you?
    Perhaps is more like magnetic attraction, you know like your south their north so your drawn together inexorably!
    What a little $hit for throwing a can of drink at you. I agree that that's just mindless "thuggerisum". When I was attacked afew weeks ago I'm glad I got one of the buggers…just before I bust a lung legging it away 2 seconds later. For those not in the know 2 blokes tried to jump me on the way home from the good Captain's house, they were drunk, I was drunk (but minding my own business) and wanted my booze and wallet so after a bit of me trying to be chummy and walking away I threw with all me might a half filled bottle of Duchy real ale at one of the twats as they tried to jump me from behind. Got him on the shoulder hard enough to make him fall over then I ran like a wheezing whippet. Felt strangely satisfied after I'd had a shower to get the beer spillage off and I'd stopped shaking! Nothing finer than the crack of thugs head on pavement, it's up there with the sound of leather on willow.

  3. I understand your pork intolerance Hugh but buying food from a halal shop is not the answer.

    halal (deliberate lower case) meat products are from animals that have been killed in a totally inhumane manner. halal believes that if you pray over an animal when you abuse it then the animal is safe to eat.

    Therefore halal allows, well actually states that you slash the throat of a live NON-STUNNED animal and let it bleed to death.

    This done for any other reason than religion would get you a visit from the RSPCA and a possible jail term.

    Although this day and age no one gets sent to jail any more except for people printing the truth like this.

    People need to know the truth about halal. The RSPCA won't tell you as they, like most of the British organisations, companies, government etc. are afraid of upsetting the muslims.

    So Hugh please try to find another solution to your problem as I and many of my animal and human/civil rights friends try to educate the public.

    Have a nice day.