Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Peter Pan and Chav mobiles.

Peter Pan on ice. The full sized poster above is on display all around central London. Look at his rictus grin; a proto wannabe children's TV presenter desperate for his first big break into the media - his whole being focussed on selling his soul to become the next Philip Schofield. Grinning like a loon and gurning for a PhotoShop poster will not atone for his total moral degeneracy. These posters have been polluting public transport for the last couple of weeks. You have been warned.

Fake turbo dump valves on hair dryer engined, limp wristed Chav mobiles - Citroen Saxo type cars used by the local low lives that frequently grunt and fart when passing my house - but upon investigation, this is usually due to a sampled sound chip added to the car - you think you are hearing a (relatively) tuned engine, when in fact you are listening to a recording - as with everything else in their sad and empty lives, they need to lie to cover up their multiple inadequacies. Why spend a few hundred pounds (a big chunk of their benefit and drug money) on doing this? Why do Chavs wear "designer" track suits? They look like they are wearing over sized Baby Grows or romper suits - they look more ridiculous than ever. I would recommend pureeing them at birth if not sooner. Time to break out a fresh set of electrodes anyway.

My company has now implemented the new catering policy I talked about here has now been put in place - I had a very enjoyable chicken curry, bombay aloo, naan and pickles as a meal deal from Tiffin Bites who now operate every Wednesday from my companies' offices. All good stuff and I look forward to the other improvements in the quality of the catering. Just drop the drippy hippy waitresses with the smoothies - making spurious health claims for their totally scientifically unsubstantiated cups of dubious lurid coloured jollop.

Oh - and don't think I have in any way gone soft on on Mobile Telephones - check out my previous post on the invidious subject here.


  1. *Pureeing*. Now there´s a cool way to kill someone. You need a rather large blender though unless of course you chav them up in tiny little pieces first.... mwahahaha. ;)

  2. Hugh's nightmare sinerio - A Chav Smoothe!
    Ingredients: Burberry, Saxo, Rizzla, arrogance. Tastes thin and watery with overtones of burger grease, cheap aftershave and Stella served in a used McD's cup and (baseball) capped off with smell of cheap fags.

    Nice to see your rant quota's increased, why bottle it up when you can Rant, blog and Go!

    I wandered round Erith yesterday with the girls as I was bored and popped into Matalan & the other clothes't remember the name.
    My god, Erith about 1pm on a wet Wednesday...
    My mindseye went into Timesplitters mode (a PS2 shoot em up game); "top right - BANG!, 1 O'clock -BANG! BANG!, corner of the screen behind the door -Whhooooosh! BLAM! RELOAD etc". As the quote goes "a more wretched hive of scum an villainy.." #sigh# just by hitting the cash machine & getting a tenner out I'm sure I doubled the spending power available at that time in the town centre.
    I went to Starburger for lunch (well Erith hardly has a choice does it??) as I HATE Morrison's Cafe (the food seems to have all the flavour sucked out of it before it's served) & after waiting for almost 10 minutes just to get someone's attention to place a hot food order,the lump who appeared behind the counter between masticating a wad of gum mumbled "25 minutes" which threw me at first as I didn't realise what she meant, thought she was talking about how long she'd been chewing the gum, turned out it was the wait for the food so went up to the aforementioned Starburger.
    These places used to scare me as a kid (think cos I was painfully shy) but my god, I wasn't left alone for a second! Is it SO strange for a bloke to take his kids out? I had the "waiters" (Cypriot?) and the "waitress" (heart of gold, bodywork & tattoo's of an ex-crack lady of the street) buzzing round us like flies. Very nice but try to get a two and ahalf year old and a 8 month old to eat when people keep coming over to coo at them. Izzy smiled so much she forgot to chew..or indeed swallow and Ella had to tell everyone, EVERYTHING she EVER done of interest. Then the other customers got involved & a group of school girls..AAAARRRGH! I just wanted to feed the girls and myself!
    Anyway back to me point, Hugh I'm taking you to Starburgers sometime.
    Your Blog would EXPLODE.
    You'd have content for a year after one visit:

    .Young Mum's smoking with their kids in the pushchair next to them while swearing liberally? CHECK.
    .Chav's filling in betting slips? CHECK.
    .EVERYTHING on the menu served with chips possibly even including chips? CHECK.
    .The early 80's decor and plastic plants WITH FAKE RAINDROPS ON THEM covered in dust? CHECK and CHECK.

    Mind you the food is good old Cafe stuff, i recommend the Mixed "platter" (their words not mine). Not bad for £3.50.
    It's the sorta place I hate to see close down to corporate burger bars but then hate going to them as their dark, dingy and full of people I couldn't face dealing with on a full or empty stomach!

    Click on my name for an amusing story!